well hey there.

Months have gone by without a peep! I guess that is what life with three under the age of two will do to ya. So I’ll do a quick recap. Please forgive my brevity, and leave a comment to let me know if you’d like more info on the happenings in our little fam’s life.

After Ezzy’s birth my body had a hard time recovering. Our sleep was great, but my hydration and hormones apparently were not. So after weeks of antibiotics and doctors visits, putting a sad and abrupt end to nursing, a colonoscopy, and a cystoscopy later, I now have a clean bill of health! Which is nothing short of a huge 'Thank You, Lord for your graciousness and provision.' I mean really though, what am I? 50 years old already? Oh, I received another Stitch Fix box in the mail so be looking for my update on my most recent ‘fixes’. We’ve traveled to Arkansas for a wedding. My parents have been here and back twice and got a dog. My brother and sister-in-law and their little fam moved. Steve’s youngest sister graduated high school, middle sister went to Slovakia, and brother got word that he’s to head to officer flight school in August. (I think that’s all right!) Our girls got to move in to big girl beds which proved to be a hard transition for Lola. We had their birthday party Saturday for their SECOND birthday which is tomorrow! Hot snot, I can’t believe the party has already come and gone. I don’t think I even remember really planning for it. Honestly, it feels like it just sort of happened without my knowing. Ezzy is sitting, eating real food, holding his own bottle, and trying his hardest to crawl. And Zekers is still alive.

And in the midst of all of this, we’re finding a greater richness in our pursuit of God and our knowing Him is bringing our lives to the brink of being shaped more drastically than ever before. Oh, I LONG and pray for the day that my littles know Him. I pray that I guard, through the Holy Spirit dwelling in me, these treasures that have been entrusted to me (2tim 1.14). And I pray that for you and whatever your treasures may be as well!

wo-OAH here he comes

36 weeks and 4 days.

This time last pregnancy I was holding two little teeny weeny babies in my arms. I can’t believe that I’m already at this point with little brother. I had what I believe will be my last check-up yesterday. My heart rate was great. Brother’s heart rate was great. He is head down and VERY low. And wouldn’t ya know, I’m already progressing. 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced.

When the doctor told me the update, I was SO excited and even relieved to a certain degree. Then my brain started going through every detail that ‘needs’ to be in place for this baby to come. I’m scheduled for my last sonogram on the 27th, but of course I’m constantly wondering if I’ll even make it that far. I’m currently washing carseat and changing pad covers. I realized that if I go in to labor before friday, Steve’s parents are out of the country and mine are 8 hours away, so we kind of need to have someone lined up to come take care of our girls at a moment’s notice. Before last night, I didn’t even have a hospital bag packed or a ‘coming home’ outfit picked out for brother. Obviously, we haven’t settled on a name. I have in my own heart. But we’ll see what happens. ;) My floors are disgusting. My guest bathroom is overrun with the girls’ toys and toothbrushes and lotion and conditioner, and I would rather it have fresh clean white linens hung and stocked up in the cabinets! Haha I need to go on a huge grocery trip to stock up on meal supplies for both the girls and my parents when they come stay with us. We need to hang the door to the guest room so that they have some privacy! I would like to buy one of those cozy little carseat inserts and strap covers for brother so he stays snug as a bug this winter. The mattress to his crib just shipped yesterday. I’d like to have his cool IKEA leaf hung in his room, but we can’t seem to settle on a great placement for it. I’d like to stock up on a few more diapers and wipes for all the kids. I would love to have a few freezer meals prepared and tucked away. Oh, I’d really like to snag a moby wrap to be able to wear brother around. I want to find a good deal on a mirror to hang over the sink in the basement so it feels nice and new and clean down there as a guest area. Shoot, I’d just love to redo the whole sink area… Oh yeah, laundry. Ha!  I want to hold my girls all day and climb in to their little cribs and snuggle them while they nap. I want to freeze every moment they do something sweet and cute and ornery and never forget the way they look right now.  I would love for it to just snow. I’d like to give Zekers a REALLY good bath and cut his mangy little claws and wash his bed so that he smells/looks/feels great. I want to go on a date with Steve. I want to serve him an awesome meal and rub HIS feet and shoulders and not have him feel like I’m going to fall to pieces every night when he gets home! I’m REALLY excited about seeing a little boy in our house. I am overwhelmed with imagining what he looks like. I want to know his personality and kiss his little lips. I’m so thankful for every time that I’ve gotten to hear his heart beat, but I cannot wait to FEEL it! I am ABUNDANTLY thankful that my girls are sleeping soundly and my house is quiet right now.

..this has been my brain since yesterday afternoon..

I cried out to the Lord, and He heard me. His mercies were new again today, and He has poured out His grace on my crazy little heart. He keeps whispering to me, “I’ve got it. I’ve got you. You need only be still.” So be still my wayward heart, and know that He is God.

a long time coming

   Though I don't pretend to be good at it, writing is still something that I thoroughly enjoy. As much as I hate to admit it, I am competitive. I am. And I hate competition. Unless it is with myself. Which I suppose is why I like writing. Not only is it cathartic, but also it's a self-imposed challenge and a puzzle; I get to figure out how to say what I want to say in a certain way that I want to say it, then put all those sayings together in such a way that is somewhat coherent and entertaining and intriguing. (I do like to entertain.)

      But now for quite some time I have been avoiding writing in every way, shape, and form ... Blogging, journaling, poetry, songs, thank you notes, ... yes. Thank you notes. Contrary to some popular beliefs, I am easily overwhelmed with gratitude, and I love to write thank you's to people to try to express that thankfulness. It means a lot to me and hopefully to them too. But it's as though after having my two little squirrels I hit a wall. I wanted to blog about the ins and outs of my everyday life as a new stay at home mom. I wanted to write notes of thanks. I wanted to gush about the sweet sounds and smelly poops of little girls, the joy and pain of breastfeeding, the task of keeping my marriage, kids, and self healthy. I mean really, the list goes on. First tears. First smiles. First shots ...

      So, last night while the girls slept and Steve and I enjoyed some much needed R&R at our firepit, I shared my heart with him about how much I've missed and even needed to write. In our conversation he helped me realize that the wall that I smacked into face first was the fear of man. I stopped writing because I over analyzed what I would say, who would read it, what they would think of me, what they would say to their friends about me. I was scared people would think of me as "THAT mom" who has to post everything her kids do because she thinks it's SO GREAT but really no one else really cares to know about. (YOU KNOW you know THAT mom ...) I wanted to write about how hard, and how easy, it is raising twins, but I didn't want to hear the feed back of people passive-aggressively "should-ing" on me and all their opinions. Quite frankly those first three weeks after having the girls I was too drained from taking care of my new little family to deal with people. We needed alone time. We needed to figure out how to function, granted we wouldn't have apart from the meals that our sweet friends very graciously delivered to us!!! But it really caught me off guard how affected by the fear of man I had become. And Steve reminded me very clearly that I am sinning by living in the fear of man and told me that I needed to blog before today was over. So this is it.

     Like I said, I do have a competitive spirit, and I love to learn new things, educate myself, and succeed. But more than anything, and now more than ever, this is one thing that I have read about, prayed up, and studied up for (and will continue to do so for the rest of my life):  being a mom. I want desperately to succeed in raising up children who are madly in love with Jesus. And since I believe that everything in life is spiritual, that affects how I approach, raise, discipline, and yes SCHEDULE my kiddos and their little lives right now. They need consistency. And God knows that by the way He created me, for my sanity, I need consistency. You, whoever you are out there reading this, may not. But I do. (Now, moms, I am neither a BabyWise nazi nor a strictly baby-led feeding mom.) Steve and I attempt consistency to help them feel stable, learn night and day, sleep well so WE can sleep well, etc... but honestly, every day is a new day. It has its very own unique challenges. And I see now more than ever that all I can do is take this thing a day at a time and do whatever the heck works to make it through that day! And all of it is to the glory of God and by His sustaining grace and new mercies. So, keep your eyes peeled for more to be shared of what God is doing with this crazy momma!

I love my God. I love my husband. And I love my girls.

common sense vs. intelligence

Yesterday I had the privilege of subbing for a BGV on Austin's team. I guess my brain is still in cra-cra land because during the second service after the third song in the set, I put my mic up and went to the bathroom. Seems totally normal except for the fact that there was still a fourth song to be sung during that set. I thought it was over, and I had to go ...

whirlwind

Life has been a little cra-cra to say the least. In August I've been able to spend a much needed vacation with my earthly beloved for our one year anniversary, traveled to North Carolina to lead worship (all by my lonesome!) for a girls' conference, traveled to Kansas City (Missouri AND Kansas!) for one of my absolute dearest friend's wedding showers, and traveled to Iowa two nights in a row for one of Harvest Bible's youth kickoff events.  This weekend, thankfully we will stay home together only to pack it all up and head to Arkansas for Labor day.

I have been emptied out, yet my cup runneth over.

Each of these events could honestly merit a lengthy blog post. But for some reason my brain likes to operate in a way so that everything is pulled together by similarities in a clear and concise way. (I know VERY RARELY do I every actually communicate those clear and concise thoughts because my brain is ALWAYS going. It gets muddled sometimes.)

Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
To tell of all You've done.
Awaken my heart, awaken my soul
To sing of Your great love!