my journal

Today you guys are going to get a peek inside my journal. It’s not like it’s a HUGE deal or anything, although I certainly don’t make a point to whip it open for just anyone to read. HOWEVER, a few of my friends have prompted me to share a couple of entries from over the last few months. And after seeing some threads of struggle/suffering in our lives come together for a small slice of the bigger picture and much of God’s glory, I was encouraged to impart these tidbits to help prepare us for and encourage us in the battle.

Like I said already, it’s not like I believe I have something earth shattering to give (other than the Word). I’m guessing the Lord is just pressing to share because someone needs to see it or read it a different way than before. SO, the first thing I’m going to cover are some thoughts and conclusions that I came to while studying the armor of God from the passage in Ephesians 6. So here we go with the typed out version:

Ephesians 6.10-20

The FULL Armor of God:

• “underwear” of truth (belt)
• breastplate of righteousness - integrity/ moral rectitude/ right standing with God
• shoes of Gospel of peace - prepared to face enemy with firm-footed stability produced by Good News
• shield of saving faith - covering that quenches all fiery missiles
• helmet of salvation
• sword of the Spirit - Word of God and is wielded by the Spirit (not me!)

So what’s being protected:

• my most intimate/ private parts (what’s closest to me) are being protected by (knowing) Truth
• my heart is being protected by integrity & righteousness
• my feet are given stability by the Gospel
• my whole body is covered by my faith
• my mind is protected from forgetting God & His Word by salvation
• my whole being is defended by God’s Word in me by the power of the Spirit

And sometimes when we grow weary of not only fighting but also just prep for battle alone, we need to remember this as well:

Go to church. Be in the midst of the body. God will bless even your act of obedience in showing up. Something happens when you’re there. Healing. Restoration. Just by being obedient to come. So think what the Holy Spirit will do when you come with EXPECTANCY. Waiting for Him to move. And if God is going to do this (because He is), don’t be shocked at the battles that will take place to keep you at bay. As much as it is possible, do not forsake meeting with other believers. To worship. To commune. To enjoy Him, His presence, together.

For references to check on that quote, look at Deut. 28, Psalm 24.1-6, Matt. 18.20, Gal. 6.1-2, and Heb. 10.19-25, just to get ya started.

***And just to keep it real. As I was just finishing writing this, my son dropped my iPhone into my cup of coffee. Hello, trial. Hi there temptation and opportunity to sin. This battle just got real again y’all!!! I was almost lured away by my desire to blow up on my kids and give up and not finish this. But I pressed in to the Lord with a fierceness and fought through for YOU whoever you are reading this and ultimately for God’s glory. Big Hugs from my crazy self to yours! ;)

grace and grief

My grandfather passed away yesterday.

He was my Paw Nick, and I was his Peanut. I was his only granddaughter. And I have never in my life suffered loss like this before. Heartache, yes. Trials, yes. But deep loss? No one this close yet.

Unitl now I would deliberate for great lengths of time on how to say the right thing at the right time. I worried about sounding sincere and not being trite.  I wanted to do right by the words and the receiver the best I could.

But yesterday, I realized I had never truly been on the receiving end. And I was overwhelmed. Not only with the onslaught of emotions harassing me and the inability to grieve (because I have three VERY NEEDY LITTLE PEOPLE who are currently all under age three) but also with every tweet of a text and ping of a notification. I was overwhelmed that I would even be thought of.

Somewhere, at some point, God allowed someone to share a piece of the ache that I feel. And so much so that it motivated them to reach out to me. And it didn’t matter then the verbiage they used or how eloquent or moving their words were. I knew that their act of reaching was sincere. I was humbled to be thought of and cared for in that way. Their words put some sturdy legs back underneath me so that my faith didn’t give way.

They healed. They held. And they are STILL the vessels that are ushering grace in to hold me.

So I want to encourage you, whoever you are reading this, that when a time comes for you to give comfort and words are all that you have, give them. I promise you most people aren’t going to be picky about what you give. And I sat there yesterday thinking of all the sad hearts who have mulled over who didn’t say this or that or do this or that. I pray that grace comes in and softens that hardness to receive and be humbled by such sweet love. I pray that we can continue to be thankful and rejoice and graciously receive what gifts of healing are sent our way. Because they are all from a great and gracious Father and King who has given far more than we could ever deserve.

And there lies my Hope. There lies my Joy.

Thank you to those of you who have already been willing to keep pointing my eyes back to my Helper. He is the Lord, the Issuer of every breath I breathe, and I will rest in Him now and one day for eternity!

guest writer: katy

Who knew that stress was so stressful???

I mean, really. It had me at the doctor's office twice last week with stomach issues, and we all know Ain’t NOBODY got time fuh DAT! And you know how it got me there? It had me forgetting that 'I don't do it.' You say,”Whaaaat?! Camie, you are crazy.” Well, I already know that. But on the heels of some of the most trying days of my life, stress had me forgetting some integral truth that I'd been rehearsing for almost the past two years of my life. And when I read the blog post that I’m sharing with you today, it was absolutely a balm to my weary soul (after being a glass of cold water in the face), a resounding victory cry, and a call to remain faithful in pressing in.

Let me fill you in on my sistafriend, Katy. God brought our lives together through some fun circumstances with our husbands; and after finding out we were both from the south, had a handful of mutual friends and a mutual love for some good tex-mex, we knew were destined to be together. (chuckle chuckle) Katy has been my friend that, even though physical distance has always separated us, God has seen fit to continuously knit our hearts together through sharing the truth of His word with one another during our (sometimes insanely) similar life circumstances. The latest and craziest has been both of us finding out that we were pregnant (both unanticipated) putting us in the situation of having three kids under the age of three. We’ve laughed, and cried, and been angry, and been honest with each other in every season of life we’ve been through together, and I truly can’t thank the Lord enough for her. She has such a fun gift for writing and I LOVE that I get to share that with you. And while you’re at her blog, take a look around. I have no doubt she will bless your socks off.

Katy Tullos: I Don’t Know How You Do It

creatures of comfort

In the wake of a longer season of suffering than I’ve experienced in years, I am earnestly (and frequently) reflecting on a quote from Randy Alcorn’s book Safely Home that simply says this:

Real gold fears no fire.

     Oh! The implications of those words for the children of God. Have you been trusting Him through your light and momentary affliction? Do you consider yourself worthy to be called to suffer for His name and glory?
     Through this season I’ve seen friends suffering the absence of life due to physical and eternal distances, the emotional and physical stresses of sleepless nights, families being tried as marriages are attacked, and even myself suffering from the consequences of my sin and bitterness. I found myself not rejoicing in this suffering and burden bearing nor delighting in my reproof, but pleading with God for comfort. I wanted it all to end promptly. I especially longed for closure before I actually had to reach out and trust God in trusting someone else to see this ugliness.
     BUT of course that was not what God had in store. You see, something amazing starts to take shape when life seems to be out of my control and falling apart. My clouded eyes and calloused heart begin to see more clearly and become softened to behold God’s sufficiency and grandeur. And it takes place only by way of clinging, in faith, to the words, person, people, and purposes of Christ. Why do we believe that sometimes it is OK to suffer and walk our lives alone? I believe it’s pride, believing in self-sufficiency rather than Christ’s sufficiency.
     Oh, brothers and sisters! Are you clinging to someone who is just a hobby or shopping buddy during your season of suffering, or are you clinging to someone who will bring scripture to bear on your life? Are you believing the Word of God and acting on it no matter how you feel? Or are you giving up and giving in? What God says, He will do. Go on. Reach out. Don't be deceived into thinking that health in the Body and its members is defined by a lack of issues. Health means that when issues arise (cause they will), the body can and will battle the attack without becoming ill and overwhelmed. Praise God that He is victorious before us, dwelling in us, and reigning over us! He WILL bring a good result. I will trust Him. I will worship. I will follow.
     I want to leave you with one last quote to ponder from Thomas á Kempis who wrote, "Jesus now has many lovers of His heavenly kingdom, but few bearers of His cross. He has many who desire consolation, but few who desire tribulation. He finds many companions of His table, but few of His abstinence. All desire to rejoice with Him but few are willing to endure anything for Him or with Him. Many follow Jesus to the breaking of bread but few to the drinking of the cup of His passion. Many revere His miracles, but few follow the humiliation of His cross."

wo-OAH here he comes

36 weeks and 4 days.

This time last pregnancy I was holding two little teeny weeny babies in my arms. I can’t believe that I’m already at this point with little brother. I had what I believe will be my last check-up yesterday. My heart rate was great. Brother’s heart rate was great. He is head down and VERY low. And wouldn’t ya know, I’m already progressing. 2 centimeters dilated and 50% effaced.

When the doctor told me the update, I was SO excited and even relieved to a certain degree. Then my brain started going through every detail that ‘needs’ to be in place for this baby to come. I’m scheduled for my last sonogram on the 27th, but of course I’m constantly wondering if I’ll even make it that far. I’m currently washing carseat and changing pad covers. I realized that if I go in to labor before friday, Steve’s parents are out of the country and mine are 8 hours away, so we kind of need to have someone lined up to come take care of our girls at a moment’s notice. Before last night, I didn’t even have a hospital bag packed or a ‘coming home’ outfit picked out for brother. Obviously, we haven’t settled on a name. I have in my own heart. But we’ll see what happens. ;) My floors are disgusting. My guest bathroom is overrun with the girls’ toys and toothbrushes and lotion and conditioner, and I would rather it have fresh clean white linens hung and stocked up in the cabinets! Haha I need to go on a huge grocery trip to stock up on meal supplies for both the girls and my parents when they come stay with us. We need to hang the door to the guest room so that they have some privacy! I would like to buy one of those cozy little carseat inserts and strap covers for brother so he stays snug as a bug this winter. The mattress to his crib just shipped yesterday. I’d like to have his cool IKEA leaf hung in his room, but we can’t seem to settle on a great placement for it. I’d like to stock up on a few more diapers and wipes for all the kids. I would love to have a few freezer meals prepared and tucked away. Oh, I’d really like to snag a moby wrap to be able to wear brother around. I want to find a good deal on a mirror to hang over the sink in the basement so it feels nice and new and clean down there as a guest area. Shoot, I’d just love to redo the whole sink area… Oh yeah, laundry. Ha!  I want to hold my girls all day and climb in to their little cribs and snuggle them while they nap. I want to freeze every moment they do something sweet and cute and ornery and never forget the way they look right now.  I would love for it to just snow. I’d like to give Zekers a REALLY good bath and cut his mangy little claws and wash his bed so that he smells/looks/feels great. I want to go on a date with Steve. I want to serve him an awesome meal and rub HIS feet and shoulders and not have him feel like I’m going to fall to pieces every night when he gets home! I’m REALLY excited about seeing a little boy in our house. I am overwhelmed with imagining what he looks like. I want to know his personality and kiss his little lips. I’m so thankful for every time that I’ve gotten to hear his heart beat, but I cannot wait to FEEL it! I am ABUNDANTLY thankful that my girls are sleeping soundly and my house is quiet right now.

..this has been my brain since yesterday afternoon..

I cried out to the Lord, and He heard me. His mercies were new again today, and He has poured out His grace on my crazy little heart. He keeps whispering to me, “I’ve got it. I’ve got you. You need only be still.” So be still my wayward heart, and know that He is God.

willing

Earlier this morning I ventured out of the house with the girls and into the blinding fog to join some women from Harvest for a new five week study called ‘Get Real’. Although the girls protested being there (even after we were leaving Eisley tried to wriggle her way out of the stroller in protest, and I almost ran her over…), I am beyond thankful for throwing us in the car to go, and I look forward with great expectancy to the weeks to come.

I was hesitant to sign up because I knew it would be hard work to get us out the door and back in time for lunch not to mention it meant the girls were now missing morning nap two days out of the week instead of just one. I was also a little concerned with how I was going to maneuver two toddlers with a baby boy belly that is getting bigger every day. However, I couldn’t get away from hearing about this study group, and I have been aching to dig in deeper with other women before I’m disconnected for a bit when little brother comes. So, we went.

Jonna, pastor Tim’s wife, taught the opening session today and posed the question, “are we willing?” She reminded us that we can learn and regurgitate Truth all day long, but unless we are actually willing to do something about it/live it out/let it change us, we will just be wasting our time. The study progressed and God very gently began pointing out the flaws in me that He is wanting to change into His image. However, it wasn’t until our breakout group time that my eyes were very clearly opened and my heart felt the weight of conviction as my own mouth spewed out ugly truths about my sin. Instead of running to God’s Word for truth and waiting in quiet strength, I confessed that I’ve been running to technology in my alone time to peruse the web, check (and subconsciously compare my life to) social media, and catch up on meaningless shows.

God had started chiseling away as I read the honest words of a friend from college and realized that I and so many others were blindly falling and sometimes even WILLINGLY walking into Satan’s traps and distractions instead of choosing to live in the truth of God’s Word. Without even realizing it, I had begun to choose to wait for my family to mess up and disappoint me in their disobedience instead of looking to my Father and following His example of waiting to be GRACIOUS and show MERCY in my disobedience! (Is 30.18) I pray that if you read this, you would allow God to reveal what He wants to change in you. And when the question is asked, ‘are you willing?’, you will have an unwavering trust in God to boldly answer with a resounding ‘Yes!'

This God—his way is perfect;
    the word of the Lord proves true;
    he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Psalm 18.30

Well, well, well

Somewhere in my childhood, my family started poking fun at anyone who would just say, "Well..." by retorting, "Now that's a deep subject." *insert hee-haw slap on the knee*
But honestly, I can't tell you how many times Steve and I have tried to begin conversation about life with a third babe in the house with "Well..." and get stuck there. Absolutely lost in thought. Almost totally overwhelmed with imagining what life is going to look like for our family in six months.

As many of you have seen or heard by now, we are indeed expecting our third child to be born on January 11 of 2013. I am currently in my 14th week of the pregnancy and am very glad to be entering the second trimester. I go to the doctor tomorrow for a check-up and to set the date for our next appointment to find our what we're having! And to answer all the questions/comments about being sure there aren't two more, we are SURE that there is only one babe in the womb. We had the sonographer double check. :)

We've known we were expecting since the week before Mother's Day and chose to keep the news to ourselves for quite a few reasons, one of the main ones being miscarriage. On the heels of a high risk pregnancy and ending the nursing phase of the twinks' diet, my hormones were still a bit off kilter which could have very likely led to my inability to facilitate a healthy pregnancy. So, not that we wouldn't be open about trials and hardships that God allows us to be sifted through in life, we just felt it a wise choice for us to keep info-spreading for a later date. Also, quite honestly, I did not handle the news of the positive pregnancy test very well. Tears that I cried were not tears of joy. If I was in control of my life, I would have waited for the next child to be born after the girls were out of diapers, potty trained, and bit more independent so as to be able to better communicate and help out a bit with taking care of themselves.

At this point I think it goes without saying that we were not planning on having another baby right now. But to say that this baby was an 'accident' seems very harsh to me. Unplanned by our brains? Yes.  A Resounding YES! But accident by no means. I have been sharply reminded how much God is in control and I am not. He knows the plans He has for me! I do not. He has crafted me in such a way to be able to raise my family in this time frame. His strength and grace will be sufficient because mine is not. I look to the future and smile and am not afraid, because God has a grand adventure waiting for me to be a vessel to shine His glory. I look forward as we await this next season of life. As the lyrics to a dear friend's song echo Psalm 27:  I will wait on You/ I will be strong/ and take heart/ I will wait.

My life is not my own.

a long time coming

   Though I don't pretend to be good at it, writing is still something that I thoroughly enjoy. As much as I hate to admit it, I am competitive. I am. And I hate competition. Unless it is with myself. Which I suppose is why I like writing. Not only is it cathartic, but also it's a self-imposed challenge and a puzzle; I get to figure out how to say what I want to say in a certain way that I want to say it, then put all those sayings together in such a way that is somewhat coherent and entertaining and intriguing. (I do like to entertain.)

      But now for quite some time I have been avoiding writing in every way, shape, and form ... Blogging, journaling, poetry, songs, thank you notes, ... yes. Thank you notes. Contrary to some popular beliefs, I am easily overwhelmed with gratitude, and I love to write thank you's to people to try to express that thankfulness. It means a lot to me and hopefully to them too. But it's as though after having my two little squirrels I hit a wall. I wanted to blog about the ins and outs of my everyday life as a new stay at home mom. I wanted to write notes of thanks. I wanted to gush about the sweet sounds and smelly poops of little girls, the joy and pain of breastfeeding, the task of keeping my marriage, kids, and self healthy. I mean really, the list goes on. First tears. First smiles. First shots ...

      So, last night while the girls slept and Steve and I enjoyed some much needed R&R at our firepit, I shared my heart with him about how much I've missed and even needed to write. In our conversation he helped me realize that the wall that I smacked into face first was the fear of man. I stopped writing because I over analyzed what I would say, who would read it, what they would think of me, what they would say to their friends about me. I was scared people would think of me as "THAT mom" who has to post everything her kids do because she thinks it's SO GREAT but really no one else really cares to know about. (YOU KNOW you know THAT mom ...) I wanted to write about how hard, and how easy, it is raising twins, but I didn't want to hear the feed back of people passive-aggressively "should-ing" on me and all their opinions. Quite frankly those first three weeks after having the girls I was too drained from taking care of my new little family to deal with people. We needed alone time. We needed to figure out how to function, granted we wouldn't have apart from the meals that our sweet friends very graciously delivered to us!!! But it really caught me off guard how affected by the fear of man I had become. And Steve reminded me very clearly that I am sinning by living in the fear of man and told me that I needed to blog before today was over. So this is it.

     Like I said, I do have a competitive spirit, and I love to learn new things, educate myself, and succeed. But more than anything, and now more than ever, this is one thing that I have read about, prayed up, and studied up for (and will continue to do so for the rest of my life):  being a mom. I want desperately to succeed in raising up children who are madly in love with Jesus. And since I believe that everything in life is spiritual, that affects how I approach, raise, discipline, and yes SCHEDULE my kiddos and their little lives right now. They need consistency. And God knows that by the way He created me, for my sanity, I need consistency. You, whoever you are out there reading this, may not. But I do. (Now, moms, I am neither a BabyWise nazi nor a strictly baby-led feeding mom.) Steve and I attempt consistency to help them feel stable, learn night and day, sleep well so WE can sleep well, etc... but honestly, every day is a new day. It has its very own unique challenges. And I see now more than ever that all I can do is take this thing a day at a time and do whatever the heck works to make it through that day! And all of it is to the glory of God and by His sustaining grace and new mercies. So, keep your eyes peeled for more to be shared of what God is doing with this crazy momma!

I love my God. I love my husband. And I love my girls.

of these i am aware

Imperfect and impatient; Always trying to fix it (you, me, them). Controlling and selfish. Lazy. Judgmental. Competitive and comparative. Flustered, frustrated, discontent, and confused. Wanting so badly to be liked and to be funny; To be remembered and approved. Materialistic. Discouraging and discouraged.

No longer a slave to those things of the flesh and of sin and darkness. Now nobility in the glorious kingdom of God, of light, and of righteousness. Made a daughter of the Most High King with His eternal kingdom purpose. I am His precious bride. I have taken His name! Redeemed and adopted. Made alive with Christ. Co-heir with Christ. Loved with the same Love that loves Christ. Daily restored, healed, and conformed by discipline for godliness - to shine like You. Known intimately. Protected. Defended. Wooed and pursued. Filled with the supernatural power of the Spirit for strength and hope. Given unwavering promises of life abundant, love eternal, and joy unspeakable.
I have not been let go. I have been accepted and approved.
In me You take delight.