That one time I tried to speak ...

This is for any of you who may be interested in reading my notes from that one time I tried to share a little part of my story and heart at the Northfield Christian Fellowship women's Christmas tea back in December.

I started like Paul does with a "family chat" kind of style in sharing a little bit of my history,  relational ties, credentials, and roles. But NONE of them qualify me except the blood of Jesus by the Power of the Spirit. Nothing I say matters if I don’t have love and submit to the Spirit. (And honestly I’ve done a lot of things, said a lot of things, without love.)

     1COR 13.1-3 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

     MATT 12.36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak ... BUT!!! ...

     2COR 3.4-6 Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

     DISCLAIMER: I’m emotional. I’m a crier. But it’s not to manipulate. I’m used to being a “worship cheerleader” singing what I'm passionate about. NOT a speaker. So bare with me.

"Giving the Best Gift"

So, pastors and teachers and theological scholars use these breakdowns to teach Scripture: Eisegesis VS Exegesis. Eisegesis is reading your own ideas/interpretation in to scripture. Handpicking verses (out of context) to support an idea, like lots of cults do. GETS DANGEROUS! Don't do it. OR There's Exegesis where there is critical explanation or interpretation of a text or portion of a text, especially of the Bible. And that is what I will be doing tonight.

    Tonight will be like unwrapping a gift. Actually we’re going to start unwrapping the BEST GIFT! Like when a parent starts to help a child peel the paper back on a present, and when they begin to realize what it is that’s wrapped up, they GO CRAZY unwrapping. Especially when we’re young and think that the gift is going to “change our lives”. But tonight, we will begin to unwrap the only GIFT that will truly change your life. It will be a gift that you can’t wait to share, or Re-Gift. Not re-gift like a White Elephant gift … But like the BEST thing you’ve ever seen or tasted or beheld and can’t HELP but give it to others.

JAMES 1.16-25

16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures. 19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.  

 

The best Gift ever given to us, by the Best Gift Giver there has ever been, was Jesus.  And the best Gift we ever have to give is Jesus and His love poured through us by the power of the Spirit. Because baby Jesus came, we got salvation and the power of the Spirit living in us!!! Some of y’all are like “uh oh! Is she going all charismatic on us?! Talking about that Spirit?!” No, but let me share the lyrics of an old favorite song with you. I’m a southerner and have southern gospel roots that influenced a few favorite Christmas songs. One in particular is Sweet Little Jesus Boy (originally I heard it sung by Mahalia Jackson. YouTube it.) It says:  Sweet Little Jesus Boy/They made You be born in a manger/Sweet little Holy chil'/Didn't know who You wus/Didn't know You'd come to save us Lawd/To take our sins away/Our eyes was blind/We couldn't see/We didn't know who You was

Read V16&17 again.

     That means that God is constant. He doesn’t change. So we can know exactly who He is as He reveals Himself to us. We didn’t know who He was. And still today there are so many things about God that we don’t know or don’t understand, even much about the Holy Spirit. BUT We need to ask God to show us Himself instead of mindlessly letting other people fill in the blanks for us. Like when you stare at those black-n-white images and close your eyes to let some picture appear in your mind’s eye.  COL 2.8 says See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ. Unlike those illusions, don’t let your imagination or other people’s “empty philosophies” run away with you. Let the Word of God inform you about the Image of God! We’ve got to learn to stop focusing only on the parts of God that make really good sense to us and start LOVING His mystery.     

     Then, every revelation of His immensity will be like the sensation of falling in love. BECAUSE IT IS falling in love. Falling in love with the Triune God. The Creator of the vast expanses of our Universe and beyond! Oh to know Him correctly this side of eternity and one day absolutely fully!!! Love God. Love Jesus. Love the Holy Spirit. Is that your heart?

Read V18 again.

This means that when we heard the Word of Truth, we became a new creation. We chose to follow Christ but not by our own initiative. We were  drawn in and given new life or “reborn” by the power of the Spirit! So here we are back to talking about the Spirit. Some of us truthfully don’t understand much about Him. So let’s look at the tip of the iceberg of what His role is:

-       Look at the example of babies, their gestation and their birth has NOTHING to do with them. They don’t control it. Their parents are the ones!

-       So let’s LOOK AT JESUS’ BIRTH! It was all the Spirit’s work! It was the Spirit who placed a Holy Child in Mary’s womb. And after His mother gave birth to Him, He relied on the power of the Spirit to live a sinless life. He was 100% God and 100% man. He could’ve snapped His little baby fingers to rush everything by or make Mary forgo labor BUT Phil 2 .8 says being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient. to the point of death, even death on a cross. He humbled Himself by being obedient to the Father's will instead of demanding His way. So, even starting with His birth He was setting the example for the way we are to live. To rely on the power of the Spirit to bring into fruition a God-honoring, God-exalting life in us.

Read V19-21 again.

Sometimes that filthiness and rampant wickedness comes out when we lose perspective of the Gift and stop following His lead. We focus more on the things He’s built us to do instead of God Himself, and we begin comparing what The Gift looks like in other people’s lives to ours.

     When our eyes are no longer on The Gift Giver but on others, we whip out our measuring sticks to see how others measure up according to OUR standards. And we don’t just measure, we use those sticks for beatings. If you’re not good enough, we beat you down. If we think you’re better than us, we beat you down. We lose our focus. We lose our perspective.  And we beat the life right out of people! Stop comparing. You were made to love the Gift Giver, to love God, and then, Love People. Go read Ann Voskamp's post about this. She is SO much more eloquent and deep and moving than this little blurb here.

     You were NOT made to LOVE your passion/talent. (Some of you just came to a screeching halt, I'm sure of it.)You were made to love God and love on people. You were, however, given your talent to do things only you can by the power of the Spirit … To be in the place that you are, around the people that you are, to make an impact for ETERNITY. When your eyes are on Jesus and you see that you and everyone else only measure up by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus, you begin to treasure The Gift, Jesus, the Greatest Treasure. You begin to see that your very breath is a gift. And you begin to realize that not only spiritually BUT ALSO PHYSICALLY He is literally your very life. HE ALONE AUTHORS your breath and your life.  Give your families and loved ones a gift of infinite worth, the gift of a woman whose joy and peace effect ETERNITY.  A mother, sister, wife, friend who speaks LIFE into those who she’s around. Ask God to begin to work in you His eternal perspective = that you get to play a part of someone having ETERNITY stamped on their heart.

      As you start walking confidently with this fresh perspective, and you’re “baking, cleaning, writing, singing your guts out" for God’s glory and not your own, people will take notice and criticism will somehow find its way to your ears. If you truly want to be excellent and hone your skill, WELCOME. IT. You might say BUT WAIT, WHAT IF IT’S FROM MEAN PEOPLE. Consider the source y’all. Satan wants nothing more than for you to feel defeated and be rendered ineffective. But whether it’s from a trusted friend or a “meanie weanie,” take it with a grain of salt and continue doing whatever it is that God has called you to do.  There’s no need for self-preservation: read 1 Peter2.20b-24. There’s no need for self-promotion: read 2Cor3.1-2.  Just be at peace: read Romans 12.17-18

READ V22-25 again. A great OT example of this is Abram!

Genesis 12:1-3 The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. 3 I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.”

    God says, "I will bless you" … and OUT OF THAT you will be a blessing to others.  HE ALWAYS GIVES US WHAT WE NEED! Are you allowing the Spirit to have His way in you so that His Presence in you is a sweet fragrance, an encouragement, … a gift? You know those people that are just life-giving to be around!  Or, do you repel and drain? Now stop thinking of anyone else here but YO SELF!

     God was saying to Abram to leave everything, lay everything down – because I (God) love you more than anything. My gift for you is the absolute greatest beyond your wildest dreams. But you have to leave everything you know, trust me with everything you have (which is simply what I’ve already entrusted to you), and you will have everything you need Because. I. Will. Be. With. You.

Look at these lyrics to another possibly familiar song that my dad used to sing - I’d Rather Have Jesus:  I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold/I’d rather be His than have riches untold/I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands/I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand//I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause/I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause/I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame/I’d rather be true to His holy name//He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom/He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb/He’s all that my hungering spirit needs/I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead// Refrain: Than to be the king of a vast domain/Or be held in sin’s dread sway/I’d rather have Jesus than anything/This world affords today.

     If knowing that no matter what Jesus will be with you, leading and guiding you, doesn’t warm and fill your soul with hope, then maybe you simply aren’t wanting Jesus more than anything else, right now.  BUT TELL ME THIS: who here wants to wake up on Christmas morning with a heart that wants The Greatest Gift more than anything else?!!!!! WHAT JOY!!!TO WAKE UP WITH TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY!!!

    So let me take the liberty to flip the words of this old carol for a little better understanding: God’s rest for you merry, gentle (wo)men! Let nothing dismay you. Remember Christ our SAVIOR was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan’s power EVERYTIME we have gone astray, Oh Tidings of comfort and joy!!!

And with that refreshed perspective so let our prayer then become the lyrics to this familiar carol: Pray with me, please,

O come, O come, Emmanuel, And ransom captive Israel,

That mourns in lonely exile here, Until the Son of God appears.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

He will come again. 

Amen.

grace and grief

My grandfather passed away yesterday.

He was my Paw Nick, and I was his Peanut. I was his only granddaughter. And I have never in my life suffered loss like this before. Heartache, yes. Trials, yes. But deep loss? No one this close yet.

Unitl now I would deliberate for great lengths of time on how to say the right thing at the right time. I worried about sounding sincere and not being trite.  I wanted to do right by the words and the receiver the best I could.

But yesterday, I realized I had never truly been on the receiving end. And I was overwhelmed. Not only with the onslaught of emotions harassing me and the inability to grieve (because I have three VERY NEEDY LITTLE PEOPLE who are currently all under age three) but also with every tweet of a text and ping of a notification. I was overwhelmed that I would even be thought of.

Somewhere, at some point, God allowed someone to share a piece of the ache that I feel. And so much so that it motivated them to reach out to me. And it didn’t matter then the verbiage they used or how eloquent or moving their words were. I knew that their act of reaching was sincere. I was humbled to be thought of and cared for in that way. Their words put some sturdy legs back underneath me so that my faith didn’t give way.

They healed. They held. And they are STILL the vessels that are ushering grace in to hold me.

So I want to encourage you, whoever you are reading this, that when a time comes for you to give comfort and words are all that you have, give them. I promise you most people aren’t going to be picky about what you give. And I sat there yesterday thinking of all the sad hearts who have mulled over who didn’t say this or that or do this or that. I pray that grace comes in and softens that hardness to receive and be humbled by such sweet love. I pray that we can continue to be thankful and rejoice and graciously receive what gifts of healing are sent our way. Because they are all from a great and gracious Father and King who has given far more than we could ever deserve.

And there lies my Hope. There lies my Joy.

Thank you to those of you who have already been willing to keep pointing my eyes back to my Helper. He is the Lord, the Issuer of every breath I breathe, and I will rest in Him now and one day for eternity!

creatures of comfort

In the wake of a longer season of suffering than I’ve experienced in years, I am earnestly (and frequently) reflecting on a quote from Randy Alcorn’s book Safely Home that simply says this:

Real gold fears no fire.

     Oh! The implications of those words for the children of God. Have you been trusting Him through your light and momentary affliction? Do you consider yourself worthy to be called to suffer for His name and glory?
     Through this season I’ve seen friends suffering the absence of life due to physical and eternal distances, the emotional and physical stresses of sleepless nights, families being tried as marriages are attacked, and even myself suffering from the consequences of my sin and bitterness. I found myself not rejoicing in this suffering and burden bearing nor delighting in my reproof, but pleading with God for comfort. I wanted it all to end promptly. I especially longed for closure before I actually had to reach out and trust God in trusting someone else to see this ugliness.
     BUT of course that was not what God had in store. You see, something amazing starts to take shape when life seems to be out of my control and falling apart. My clouded eyes and calloused heart begin to see more clearly and become softened to behold God’s sufficiency and grandeur. And it takes place only by way of clinging, in faith, to the words, person, people, and purposes of Christ. Why do we believe that sometimes it is OK to suffer and walk our lives alone? I believe it’s pride, believing in self-sufficiency rather than Christ’s sufficiency.
     Oh, brothers and sisters! Are you clinging to someone who is just a hobby or shopping buddy during your season of suffering, or are you clinging to someone who will bring scripture to bear on your life? Are you believing the Word of God and acting on it no matter how you feel? Or are you giving up and giving in? What God says, He will do. Go on. Reach out. Don't be deceived into thinking that health in the Body and its members is defined by a lack of issues. Health means that when issues arise (cause they will), the body can and will battle the attack without becoming ill and overwhelmed. Praise God that He is victorious before us, dwelling in us, and reigning over us! He WILL bring a good result. I will trust Him. I will worship. I will follow.
     I want to leave you with one last quote to ponder from Thomas á Kempis who wrote, "Jesus now has many lovers of His heavenly kingdom, but few bearers of His cross. He has many who desire consolation, but few who desire tribulation. He finds many companions of His table, but few of His abstinence. All desire to rejoice with Him but few are willing to endure anything for Him or with Him. Many follow Jesus to the breaking of bread but few to the drinking of the cup of His passion. Many revere His miracles, but few follow the humiliation of His cross."

Well, well, well

Somewhere in my childhood, my family started poking fun at anyone who would just say, "Well..." by retorting, "Now that's a deep subject." *insert hee-haw slap on the knee*
But honestly, I can't tell you how many times Steve and I have tried to begin conversation about life with a third babe in the house with "Well..." and get stuck there. Absolutely lost in thought. Almost totally overwhelmed with imagining what life is going to look like for our family in six months.

As many of you have seen or heard by now, we are indeed expecting our third child to be born on January 11 of 2013. I am currently in my 14th week of the pregnancy and am very glad to be entering the second trimester. I go to the doctor tomorrow for a check-up and to set the date for our next appointment to find our what we're having! And to answer all the questions/comments about being sure there aren't two more, we are SURE that there is only one babe in the womb. We had the sonographer double check. :)

We've known we were expecting since the week before Mother's Day and chose to keep the news to ourselves for quite a few reasons, one of the main ones being miscarriage. On the heels of a high risk pregnancy and ending the nursing phase of the twinks' diet, my hormones were still a bit off kilter which could have very likely led to my inability to facilitate a healthy pregnancy. So, not that we wouldn't be open about trials and hardships that God allows us to be sifted through in life, we just felt it a wise choice for us to keep info-spreading for a later date. Also, quite honestly, I did not handle the news of the positive pregnancy test very well. Tears that I cried were not tears of joy. If I was in control of my life, I would have waited for the next child to be born after the girls were out of diapers, potty trained, and bit more independent so as to be able to better communicate and help out a bit with taking care of themselves.

At this point I think it goes without saying that we were not planning on having another baby right now. But to say that this baby was an 'accident' seems very harsh to me. Unplanned by our brains? Yes.  A Resounding YES! But accident by no means. I have been sharply reminded how much God is in control and I am not. He knows the plans He has for me! I do not. He has crafted me in such a way to be able to raise my family in this time frame. His strength and grace will be sufficient because mine is not. I look to the future and smile and am not afraid, because God has a grand adventure waiting for me to be a vessel to shine His glory. I look forward as we await this next season of life. As the lyrics to a dear friend's song echo Psalm 27:  I will wait on You/ I will be strong/ and take heart/ I will wait.

My life is not my own.

34

It is hard to believe that July is actually here, and we are seven days into it! One whole week already. Then I stop and think about the fact that I have been pregnant for almost 35 weeks now.

Me. Pregnant. For 34 solid weeks. With two little girls.
That still catches me off guard!

Over the past few weeks the discomfort of being largely pregnant has begun to settle its self into my sleeping patterns and joints and appetite. (Not to mention my need to go rest in the little ladies room if you catch my drift ...) I had a nice visit with my High-Risk Specialist on Tuesday which was also my last! He congratulated me on making it to 34 weeks and said the girls could come any time they want to now, Lord-willing it would be through natural delivery if my one little booger would just flip around! I wouldn't mind if it was tomorrow. I just need to get that bag for the hospital packed!!! But honestly,

I take delight in it all because I know the end is near.  

Maybe some of you who are reading this have already begun jumping to the eschatological conclusions that I would love to expound on, but I'm just going to keep it simple with these conclusions God has been working in my heart:

I desperately need my sights fixed on Eternity and the Priceless Jewel of Heaven who waits for me there. MY sin, not in part but the WHOLE, was nailed to the Cross!!! Christ's suffering was not in vain!!! My "suffering" and growing/labor pains here (which often involve other Christians even!) He wants desperately to use to draw me ever so closely to Him, and that is exactly where I want to be. My battle isn't against them, or any other flesh and blood. So, I need not be discouraged because I worship the God who makes a way when there seems to be no way. And that worship is not, has never been, or will ever be about me. It started and will end with Him! So, quickly I will leave you with this ...

My prayer lately via Psalm 51 

Make me to hear joy and gladness. Let the bones (and most of my joints) which (really feel like) You have (just about) broken rejoice. (PLEASE!) Hide Your face from my sins 

and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast (and absolutely unshakable) spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me (because the thought of being without You absolutely terrifies me) ((I don't like to think about being on the wrong side of Your wrath)). Restore to me the joy of Your (not mine, cause I had nothing to do with it) salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit (cause if You don't I will give up and die)!

growing pains

Dear friends and family,

I am so sorry for the long hiatus! However, since mid October I have been working full-time as a teller at a local bank in Peoria. The idea of working full-time again after Steve and I were married wasn't one of which I was very fond. I knew that both of us working while we had no children would prove to be a wise endeavor for our family and would help take a huge burden off Steve's shoulders. However, I found it increasingly unbearable to imagine throwing myself into a 40 hour position, that honestly I could care less about, which would pull me away from my home and serving my husband there. I have since built relationships with people there who I do care for, though. Regardless, I took the  plunge realizing that in this season of our lives, this is one of the best ways to serve my husband and show that I love him. If only I would remember that point of view the mornings that I have a hard time getting out of my bed and leaving my home for majority of the day. More and most importantly, I strive to have the discipline to direct my thoughts (and ((bad)) attitudes) heavenward realizing that I am coming into contact with numerous people on a day to day basis who desperately need to know the love Christ has for them. I desperately need to know the love Christ has for me. So far, I've been failing with flying colors. Most of the time selfishness conquers a Christ-centered hope in that I begin thinking I should have the right to do the things that I am truly passionate about that I KNOW would bring me so much more fulfillment than this mundane money counting routine. (Ok, really, being a teller is stressful work.)

But God is still, as He always does, reminding me that He is greater. The plans He has for me are greater. Trusting and obeying Him even in the mundane is greater. (Sidenote:  Steve and I along with the rest of his immediate family have begun reading the Bible through this year. I have done nothing but read over and over again how God considers it righteousness when a man trusts and immediately obeys Him! His word is SO rich with reaffirmation of how awesome He is in His deeds towards man! Ps. 66.5)

Two very significant events occurred within days of each other over a week ago placing my dreams, hopes, emotions, beliefs, etc. in a whirlwind of contemplation. My reasoning and complete understanding still have yet to surrender to the enormity of our first blessed discovery. On Jan. 14th, Steve and I watched in disbelief as our sonographer scrolled over the two tiny bodies and heartbeats that are growing inside of me. Within days of seeing our twins for the first time, I received a phone call asking if I was still willing to consider a full time position as the assistant worship director at a nearby church. Before me lay my two greatest ambitions and fears. No two things have I ever hoped and longed for more than being involved in full time worship ministry and starting a family. No two things have ever had more of a hold on my heart than these. And now I was faced with making the decision with my husband for us to move and I be the full time provider as we prepare to have our first two children at the SAME time within a few short months OR for me to decline the offer so that I can stay at home to provide the nurturing love and guidance for my children to grow. Children. Two humans. Two people that God chose Steve and I to facilitate their growth during the formative years of their lives. Two amazing works of our Creator that are and will always be very much more so His than they will ever be ours.

After hours of grueling conversation and soul searching and rehearsing what we believe and hold to be true, Steve and I decided that the wisest most God-glorifying decision that we could possibly make would be to decline the offer and remain. Decline a dream and passion that has been growing ever so fiercely inside of me since I was 13. Decline an opportunity to be something that I believed for years was more who I was created to be than ever being a mom. Although we were at total peace with the convictions we hold and the decision we made, there is still a part of me that begins to ache even as I write about and rehearse the events in my mind. One piece of truth that my dear friend Mr. Tullos reminded me of was this:

God's timing and testing are perfect. Just because I'm not moving into a position that I believe would fulfill a huge part of who God has created me to be does not diminish His calling on my life or ability.

And the truth is as well that there surely are many longings currently taking residence in my heart which won't be fulfilled this side of eternity.

Even through all this God is still providing. While the weight of the financial burden that twins will bring begins to weigh heavy, people are stepping up and offering items to help meet our need. I was also asked to be the vocal director of the worship ministry at Riverside. What a huge opportunity! Even though it may not be "full-time ministry", it still permiates all of my every day life. So I look forward to teaching and being taught, used and changed while under the authority of and working alongside my dear friend Mr. Austin Luhring (and all my other cherished friends!) in the worship ministry at Riverside.

I look forward to this summer and meeting those two people growing inside me. I look forward to what God has in store.

We look to Yahweh, Yahweh
Our hope is Yahweh, Yahweh
And He shall reign forever
He shall reign forever
He shall reign forever and ever!

perspective

I am a happy person (crazy, silly, insert whatever upbeat adjective you desire...). but honestly, most of the time, my heart absolutely aches. Very literally, it physically aches within me. It is truly the joy of the Lord that keeps me going which comes in many forms! My favorite of which is the encouragement that my dearest sends my way in his prayers over me at night.

But if you have ever spent any amount of time actually investing in me as your friend, sister, daughter, or even mere acquaintance, you will have found that my heart breaks easily [and largely over the sin and brokenness in our world and its devastating ramifications on the lives of God's precious creation]. (I can't even read the story of Jesus' birth at family Christmas without breaking into tears!) I am so thankful for His [heart-wrenching] perspective shifts. I am reminded of God's Word and His promises of provision for our lives through His stories in her and her. (Note: reading these stories will take time and a tissue.) And even His story in her. Soli Deo Gloria.

But let me entertain your thoughts with an analogy set before me personally yesterday morning. After reading James 1.2-4 and 12, God quickly allowed me to put my faith in action. On my way to help a friend clean some houses, my car died just as I was pulling up to an intersection. I quickly flipped the hazards on, turned the car off, then cranked it again in time to get through the light and make it a safe distance away to pull over. My small trial as it was slowly faded in my mind while I stood on the side of the road and watched countless numbers of cars drive past. (Ok, I'm sure there were over 100.) However, the more I watched, the more I noticed the people noticing me and their expressions or the lack thereof. Some tried very hard to act like I wasn't there as they passed. Others gawked, while a few did express a look of concern. But out of all the cars that passed only 3 actually stopped and the one because it was his job as he worked for I-DOT. (This story sounding familiar at all yet?)


My mind started racing as the Spirit brought back flashes of memories of passing people by feeling pity for them but doing nothing. I thought about conversations had discussing the threat of safety when you help "people like that," and how those conversations WREAKED of self-preservation and comfort. Like Francis Chan points out in his book Crazy Love, we with good intentions (and in our western frame of mind) find ourselves praying for safety, when in True reality a heart that is ablaze for the glory of God only requests that they be given a glorious occasion to make Him known. God will always allow circumstances to come into our lives giving us the opportunity to choose between claiming every shred of right of pride, dignity, and safety (that we don't have) or claiming Him no matter the cost. Is your heart ablaze?


I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I’d rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I’d rather be true to His holy name.

Than to be a king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin’s dread sway,
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.

of these i am aware

Imperfect and impatient; Always trying to fix it (you, me, them). Controlling and selfish. Lazy. Judgmental. Competitive and comparative. Flustered, frustrated, discontent, and confused. Wanting so badly to be liked and to be funny; To be remembered and approved. Materialistic. Discouraging and discouraged.

No longer a slave to those things of the flesh and of sin and darkness. Now nobility in the glorious kingdom of God, of light, and of righteousness. Made a daughter of the Most High King with His eternal kingdom purpose. I am His precious bride. I have taken His name! Redeemed and adopted. Made alive with Christ. Co-heir with Christ. Loved with the same Love that loves Christ. Daily restored, healed, and conformed by discipline for godliness - to shine like You. Known intimately. Protected. Defended. Wooed and pursued. Filled with the supernatural power of the Spirit for strength and hope. Given unwavering promises of life abundant, love eternal, and joy unspeakable.
I have not been let go. I have been accepted and approved.
In me You take delight.

going once, going twice ...

... and sold! Remember that antique chest of drawers that I painted red then antiqued with a dark walnut stain? Check this out to see what I'm talking about. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I sold that bad boy on craigslist in one short day! Steve thinks that I sold myself short. He suggested that I market my items as functional pieces of art. The purchaser isn't just buying furniture. They are investing in a piece of art into which I poured my blood sweat and tears! (ok, only in SOME did I invest my blood and tears. Mostly just sweat. Is that gross?) Honestly, I'm not too concerned with it all because it is more than likely the first and last piece I will sell. Although, I have to admit that craigslist is full of shopping adventure and wonder! Maybe even a little bit of angst as well.
All day long I was battling thoughts of some crazy person calling me up saying they wanted the dresser, but really they were going to come to my house and kidnap me. True story. I've heard of this happening before. But yet, here I am writing to you (knowing you will read this and identify with having thought the very same things!!!). I must say that making this one sale has been the short lived highlight of my day. Short lived because I currently feel like what a hangover supposedly feels like due to my 5am rising to work out with my sisterfriend Julie. I love her. I like to work out. I do not love the after effects of working out at 5am.
I will however appreciate being in shape when Steve and I begin trying to have kids. And I did enjoy creating something in which someone else delighted. For now, though, I'll focus my hope and energy on teaching voice. What a joy!

mundane

I'm a fan of dictionary.com and have been since college. And in a small way I continue my education through its word-of-the-day. (p.s. if you know me and have never heard the word-of-the-day joke, make me tell it to you. it's a fav.) At any rate, dictionary.com tells me that the meaning of mundane is of or pertaining to this world or earth as contrasted with heaven; worldly or earthly. Synonyms also include secular or temporal. 

Now, in my little pea brain, I always thought mundane to be that of something boring and lethargic, which is what my days are beginning to feel like within the past week. So with that in mind, I read this quote from a friend of a friend on a friend's blog (ya dig?):

If God doesn’t rule your mundane,

then He doesn’t rule you, 

because that’s where you live.

 So then in my head I started this dialogue with God that went a little something like this, "God, how exactly do you rule my mundane? My days are filled with nothingness and boredom. Why am I living in nothingness and boredom? How does that glorify you? How are you ruling that? Why is connecting with people so hard? Why haven't I heard back form any jobs? Why why blah blah blah, etc." Lots of questions.

Then I read what mundane really means. And it almost instantaneously flipped my perspective off of my measly self and back to a glorious God! My life is mundane!!! But no longer in the sense that I had perceived. My life was being lived in nothingness and boredom because I was allowed to attempt to plan for myself and decide what best filled Camie's day. But now knowing that mundane is the day to day TEMPORARY earthly life in light of Him, knowing that He wants to fill my day with divine events, knowing that He wants me, period; that is enough to excite me into an anticipatory state of being. I am not here forever, and He is worth my every second's devotion.

He is that glorious. He is that good.

 

 

heartache and hope

God points to nature and says, "take care of it." Nature points to God and says, "Be aware of Him! No one else is greater." My heart aches for the oily disaster in the Gulf. Beautiful awe-inspiring creation is now devastated by a life-taking swamp of petroleum. I'm learning that when my heart is on the brink of discouragement because of the now, I am to remind myself of the future. Though the battle is apparent in a very physical way on creation, it is and always will be spiritual at its core.

This is my Father’s world

O let me ne’er forget

That though the wrong seems oft so strong, 

God is the ruler yet.
This is my Father’s world: 

the battle is not done.

Jesus Who died shall be satisfied,
And earth and Heav’n be one.