That one time I tried to speak ...

This is for any of you who may be interested in reading my notes from that one time I tried to share a little part of my story and heart at the Northfield Christian Fellowship women's Christmas tea back in December.

I started like Paul does with a "family chat" kind of style in sharing a little bit of my history,  relational ties, credentials, and roles. But NONE of them qualify me except the blood of Jesus by the Power of the Spirit. Nothing I say matters if I don’t have love and submit to the Spirit. (And honestly I’ve done a lot of things, said a lot of things, without love.)

     1COR 13.1-3 If I speak in the tongues of men and of angels, but have not love, I am a noisy gong or a clanging cymbal.  And if I have prophetic powers, and understand all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have all faith, so as to remove mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.  If I give away all I have, and if I deliver up my body to be burned, but have not love, I gain nothing.

     MATT 12.36 I tell you, on the day of judgment people will give account for every careless word they speak ... BUT!!! ...

     2COR 3.4-6 Such is the confidence that we have through Christ toward God. Not that we are sufficient in ourselves to claim anything as coming from us, but our sufficiency is from God, who has made us sufficient to be ministers of a new covenant, not of the letter but of the Spirit. For the letter kills, but the Spirit gives life.

     DISCLAIMER: I’m emotional. I’m a crier. But it’s not to manipulate. I’m used to being a “worship cheerleader” singing what I'm passionate about. NOT a speaker. So bare with me.

"Giving the Best Gift"

So, pastors and teachers and theological scholars use these breakdowns to teach Scripture: Eisegesis VS Exegesis. Eisegesis is reading your own ideas/interpretation in to scripture. Handpicking verses (out of context) to support an idea, like lots of cults do. GETS DANGEROUS! Don't do it. OR There's Exegesis where there is critical explanation or interpretation of a text or portion of a text, especially of the Bible. And that is what I will be doing tonight.

    Tonight will be like unwrapping a gift. Actually we’re going to start unwrapping the BEST GIFT! Like when a parent starts to help a child peel the paper back on a present, and when they begin to realize what it is that’s wrapped up, they GO CRAZY unwrapping. Especially when we’re young and think that the gift is going to “change our lives”. But tonight, we will begin to unwrap the only GIFT that will truly change your life. It will be a gift that you can’t wait to share, or Re-Gift. Not re-gift like a White Elephant gift … But like the BEST thing you’ve ever seen or tasted or beheld and can’t HELP but give it to others.

JAMES 1.16-25

16 Do not be deceived, my beloved brothers. 17 Every good gift and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights with whom there is no variation or shadow due to change. 18 Of his own will he brought us forth by the word of truth, that we should be a kind of first fruits of his creatures. 19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God. 21 Therefore put away all filthiness and rampant wickedness and receive with meekness the implanted word, which is able to save your souls.

22 But be doers of the word, and not hearers only, deceiving yourselves. 23 For if anyone is a hearer of the word and not a doer, he is like a man who looks intently at his natural face in a mirror. 24 For he looks at himself and goes away and at once forgets what he was like. 25 But the one who looks into the perfect law, the law of liberty, and perseveres, being no hearer who forgets but a doer who acts, he will be blessed in his doing.  

 

The best Gift ever given to us, by the Best Gift Giver there has ever been, was Jesus.  And the best Gift we ever have to give is Jesus and His love poured through us by the power of the Spirit. Because baby Jesus came, we got salvation and the power of the Spirit living in us!!! Some of y’all are like “uh oh! Is she going all charismatic on us?! Talking about that Spirit?!” No, but let me share the lyrics of an old favorite song with you. I’m a southerner and have southern gospel roots that influenced a few favorite Christmas songs. One in particular is Sweet Little Jesus Boy (originally I heard it sung by Mahalia Jackson. YouTube it.) It says:  Sweet Little Jesus Boy/They made You be born in a manger/Sweet little Holy chil'/Didn't know who You wus/Didn't know You'd come to save us Lawd/To take our sins away/Our eyes was blind/We couldn't see/We didn't know who You was

Read V16&17 again.

     That means that God is constant. He doesn’t change. So we can know exactly who He is as He reveals Himself to us. We didn’t know who He was. And still today there are so many things about God that we don’t know or don’t understand, even much about the Holy Spirit. BUT We need to ask God to show us Himself instead of mindlessly letting other people fill in the blanks for us. Like when you stare at those black-n-white images and close your eyes to let some picture appear in your mind’s eye.  COL 2.8 says See to it that no one takes you captive through hollow and deceptive philosophy, which depends on human tradition and the elemental spiritual forces of this world rather than on Christ. Unlike those illusions, don’t let your imagination or other people’s “empty philosophies” run away with you. Let the Word of God inform you about the Image of God! We’ve got to learn to stop focusing only on the parts of God that make really good sense to us and start LOVING His mystery.     

     Then, every revelation of His immensity will be like the sensation of falling in love. BECAUSE IT IS falling in love. Falling in love with the Triune God. The Creator of the vast expanses of our Universe and beyond! Oh to know Him correctly this side of eternity and one day absolutely fully!!! Love God. Love Jesus. Love the Holy Spirit. Is that your heart?

Read V18 again.

This means that when we heard the Word of Truth, we became a new creation. We chose to follow Christ but not by our own initiative. We were  drawn in and given new life or “reborn” by the power of the Spirit! So here we are back to talking about the Spirit. Some of us truthfully don’t understand much about Him. So let’s look at the tip of the iceberg of what His role is:

-       Look at the example of babies, their gestation and their birth has NOTHING to do with them. They don’t control it. Their parents are the ones!

-       So let’s LOOK AT JESUS’ BIRTH! It was all the Spirit’s work! It was the Spirit who placed a Holy Child in Mary’s womb. And after His mother gave birth to Him, He relied on the power of the Spirit to live a sinless life. He was 100% God and 100% man. He could’ve snapped His little baby fingers to rush everything by or make Mary forgo labor BUT Phil 2 .8 says being found in human form, he humbled himself by becoming obedient. to the point of death, even death on a cross. He humbled Himself by being obedient to the Father's will instead of demanding His way. So, even starting with His birth He was setting the example for the way we are to live. To rely on the power of the Spirit to bring into fruition a God-honoring, God-exalting life in us.

Read V19-21 again.

Sometimes that filthiness and rampant wickedness comes out when we lose perspective of the Gift and stop following His lead. We focus more on the things He’s built us to do instead of God Himself, and we begin comparing what The Gift looks like in other people’s lives to ours.

     When our eyes are no longer on The Gift Giver but on others, we whip out our measuring sticks to see how others measure up according to OUR standards. And we don’t just measure, we use those sticks for beatings. If you’re not good enough, we beat you down. If we think you’re better than us, we beat you down. We lose our focus. We lose our perspective.  And we beat the life right out of people! Stop comparing. You were made to love the Gift Giver, to love God, and then, Love People. Go read Ann Voskamp's post about this. She is SO much more eloquent and deep and moving than this little blurb here.

     You were NOT made to LOVE your passion/talent. (Some of you just came to a screeching halt, I'm sure of it.)You were made to love God and love on people. You were, however, given your talent to do things only you can by the power of the Spirit … To be in the place that you are, around the people that you are, to make an impact for ETERNITY. When your eyes are on Jesus and you see that you and everyone else only measure up by the grace of God and the blood of Jesus, you begin to treasure The Gift, Jesus, the Greatest Treasure. You begin to see that your very breath is a gift. And you begin to realize that not only spiritually BUT ALSO PHYSICALLY He is literally your very life. HE ALONE AUTHORS your breath and your life.  Give your families and loved ones a gift of infinite worth, the gift of a woman whose joy and peace effect ETERNITY.  A mother, sister, wife, friend who speaks LIFE into those who she’s around. Ask God to begin to work in you His eternal perspective = that you get to play a part of someone having ETERNITY stamped on their heart.

      As you start walking confidently with this fresh perspective, and you’re “baking, cleaning, writing, singing your guts out" for God’s glory and not your own, people will take notice and criticism will somehow find its way to your ears. If you truly want to be excellent and hone your skill, WELCOME. IT. You might say BUT WAIT, WHAT IF IT’S FROM MEAN PEOPLE. Consider the source y’all. Satan wants nothing more than for you to feel defeated and be rendered ineffective. But whether it’s from a trusted friend or a “meanie weanie,” take it with a grain of salt and continue doing whatever it is that God has called you to do.  There’s no need for self-preservation: read 1 Peter2.20b-24. There’s no need for self-promotion: read 2Cor3.1-2.  Just be at peace: read Romans 12.17-18

READ V22-25 again. A great OT example of this is Abram!

Genesis 12:1-3 The LORD had said to Abram, “Leave your native country, your relatives, and your father’s family, and go to the land that I will show you. 2 I will make you into a great nation. I will bless you and make you famous, and you will be a blessing to others. 3 I will bless those who bless you and curse those who treat you with contempt. All the families on earth will be blessed through you.”

    God says, "I will bless you" … and OUT OF THAT you will be a blessing to others.  HE ALWAYS GIVES US WHAT WE NEED! Are you allowing the Spirit to have His way in you so that His Presence in you is a sweet fragrance, an encouragement, … a gift? You know those people that are just life-giving to be around!  Or, do you repel and drain? Now stop thinking of anyone else here but YO SELF!

     God was saying to Abram to leave everything, lay everything down – because I (God) love you more than anything. My gift for you is the absolute greatest beyond your wildest dreams. But you have to leave everything you know, trust me with everything you have (which is simply what I’ve already entrusted to you), and you will have everything you need Because. I. Will. Be. With. You.

Look at these lyrics to another possibly familiar song that my dad used to sing - I’d Rather Have Jesus:  I’d rather have Jesus than silver or gold/I’d rather be His than have riches untold/I’d rather have Jesus than houses or lands/I’d rather be led by His nail-pierced hand//I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause/I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause/I’d rather have Jesus than worldwide fame/I’d rather be true to His holy name//He’s fairer than lilies of rarest bloom/He’s sweeter than honey from out the comb/He’s all that my hungering spirit needs/I’d rather have Jesus and let Him lead// Refrain: Than to be the king of a vast domain/Or be held in sin’s dread sway/I’d rather have Jesus than anything/This world affords today.

     If knowing that no matter what Jesus will be with you, leading and guiding you, doesn’t warm and fill your soul with hope, then maybe you simply aren’t wanting Jesus more than anything else, right now.  BUT TELL ME THIS: who here wants to wake up on Christmas morning with a heart that wants The Greatest Gift more than anything else?!!!!! WHAT JOY!!!TO WAKE UP WITH TIDINGS OF COMFORT AND JOY!!!

    So let me take the liberty to flip the words of this old carol for a little better understanding: God’s rest for you merry, gentle (wo)men! Let nothing dismay you. Remember Christ our SAVIOR was born on Christmas day to save us all from Satan’s power EVERYTIME we have gone astray, Oh Tidings of comfort and joy!!!

And with that refreshed perspective so let our prayer then become the lyrics to this familiar carol: Pray with me, please,

O come, O come, Emmanuel, And ransom captive Israel,

That mourns in lonely exile here, Until the Son of God appears.

Rejoice! Rejoice! Emmanuel shall come to thee, O Israel.

He will come again. 

Amen.

my journal

Today you guys are going to get a peek inside my journal. It’s not like it’s a HUGE deal or anything, although I certainly don’t make a point to whip it open for just anyone to read. HOWEVER, a few of my friends have prompted me to share a couple of entries from over the last few months. And after seeing some threads of struggle/suffering in our lives come together for a small slice of the bigger picture and much of God’s glory, I was encouraged to impart these tidbits to help prepare us for and encourage us in the battle.

Like I said already, it’s not like I believe I have something earth shattering to give (other than the Word). I’m guessing the Lord is just pressing to share because someone needs to see it or read it a different way than before. SO, the first thing I’m going to cover are some thoughts and conclusions that I came to while studying the armor of God from the passage in Ephesians 6. So here we go with the typed out version:

Ephesians 6.10-20

The FULL Armor of God:

• “underwear” of truth (belt)
• breastplate of righteousness - integrity/ moral rectitude/ right standing with God
• shoes of Gospel of peace - prepared to face enemy with firm-footed stability produced by Good News
• shield of saving faith - covering that quenches all fiery missiles
• helmet of salvation
• sword of the Spirit - Word of God and is wielded by the Spirit (not me!)

So what’s being protected:

• my most intimate/ private parts (what’s closest to me) are being protected by (knowing) Truth
• my heart is being protected by integrity & righteousness
• my feet are given stability by the Gospel
• my whole body is covered by my faith
• my mind is protected from forgetting God & His Word by salvation
• my whole being is defended by God’s Word in me by the power of the Spirit

And sometimes when we grow weary of not only fighting but also just prep for battle alone, we need to remember this as well:

Go to church. Be in the midst of the body. God will bless even your act of obedience in showing up. Something happens when you’re there. Healing. Restoration. Just by being obedient to come. So think what the Holy Spirit will do when you come with EXPECTANCY. Waiting for Him to move. And if God is going to do this (because He is), don’t be shocked at the battles that will take place to keep you at bay. As much as it is possible, do not forsake meeting with other believers. To worship. To commune. To enjoy Him, His presence, together.

For references to check on that quote, look at Deut. 28, Psalm 24.1-6, Matt. 18.20, Gal. 6.1-2, and Heb. 10.19-25, just to get ya started.

***And just to keep it real. As I was just finishing writing this, my son dropped my iPhone into my cup of coffee. Hello, trial. Hi there temptation and opportunity to sin. This battle just got real again y’all!!! I was almost lured away by my desire to blow up on my kids and give up and not finish this. But I pressed in to the Lord with a fierceness and fought through for YOU whoever you are reading this and ultimately for God’s glory. Big Hugs from my crazy self to yours! ;)

grace and grief

My grandfather passed away yesterday.

He was my Paw Nick, and I was his Peanut. I was his only granddaughter. And I have never in my life suffered loss like this before. Heartache, yes. Trials, yes. But deep loss? No one this close yet.

Unitl now I would deliberate for great lengths of time on how to say the right thing at the right time. I worried about sounding sincere and not being trite.  I wanted to do right by the words and the receiver the best I could.

But yesterday, I realized I had never truly been on the receiving end. And I was overwhelmed. Not only with the onslaught of emotions harassing me and the inability to grieve (because I have three VERY NEEDY LITTLE PEOPLE who are currently all under age three) but also with every tweet of a text and ping of a notification. I was overwhelmed that I would even be thought of.

Somewhere, at some point, God allowed someone to share a piece of the ache that I feel. And so much so that it motivated them to reach out to me. And it didn’t matter then the verbiage they used or how eloquent or moving their words were. I knew that their act of reaching was sincere. I was humbled to be thought of and cared for in that way. Their words put some sturdy legs back underneath me so that my faith didn’t give way.

They healed. They held. And they are STILL the vessels that are ushering grace in to hold me.

So I want to encourage you, whoever you are reading this, that when a time comes for you to give comfort and words are all that you have, give them. I promise you most people aren’t going to be picky about what you give. And I sat there yesterday thinking of all the sad hearts who have mulled over who didn’t say this or that or do this or that. I pray that grace comes in and softens that hardness to receive and be humbled by such sweet love. I pray that we can continue to be thankful and rejoice and graciously receive what gifts of healing are sent our way. Because they are all from a great and gracious Father and King who has given far more than we could ever deserve.

And there lies my Hope. There lies my Joy.

Thank you to those of you who have already been willing to keep pointing my eyes back to my Helper. He is the Lord, the Issuer of every breath I breathe, and I will rest in Him now and one day for eternity!

a step back

These two notes were brought to my attention this morning with the new updates to Facebook. So, I thought I would move them over to the ole bloggity blog. Reading these two blurbs has refreshed my love and appreciation for my godly, hard-working husband and has made me ever so thankful that the hard days of itty bitty twinkies are long gone.

Monday 8.1.11 - a reason to celebrate
I woke up this morning next to the man of my dreams. He is better than the best husband I could've ever imagined, and now I am witnessing him step into the roll of dad and am amazed. His love for me and his love for our girls is only an outpouring of his love for our amazing God. I couldn't imagine making it through this past week without him and am blessed to celebrate making it through two years of marriage with him today! Steve Risinger, I love you. Happy Anniversary. :)

Sunday 8.7.11 - monitor conquered. almost.

Last Monday afternoon Steve and I received the best anniversary gift ever. Our 'littlest little' (as we love to refer to Eisley now) got to come home with us! However, this joyous occasion was marked with stress and heartache because we were sent home with an apnea monitor that to our dismay was constantly going off. We were doing good if we made it a solid hour without hearing the alarm sound multiple consecutive times. Friday morning we found that the amber colored data light was lit notifying us to take the monitor to have her info downloaded. So, I headed to the OSF sleep lab only to discover (to our dismay and also soon to our joy!) that our monitor had been given to us with the wrong settings for her breaths-per-minute! The sweet ladies in the sleep lab corrected all the settings and told me that we should not be concerned about any episodes because 99 percent of the alarms were false. Since that glorious correction, we have only heard an alarm sound 4-5 times, and it is Sunday! Praise the Lord. Fears have ceased. Sleep (ok at least 15 minutes of it!) have been restored. We have almost made a complete turn around with the monitor situation. And we are well on our way into week three of their tiny lives working hard at a consistent schedule to get these twinks to sleep through the night sooner than later! They are eating and pooping and sleeping and even doing a pretty good job of holding those heads up!!!

Steve (aka: I like it when you call me Big Poppa) spent last week working half days (on very little sleep and lots of coffee) while I spent my days loving on these little munchkins (on very little sleep and lots of coffee) while trying to do as little as possible around the house to heal properly, only being enabled to do so with the help of my mom. What a great and perfect gift that she took care of Steve and I so that we could best take care of our little ones. And again, we want to send out our greatest thanks to our friends and family who have prayed for, loved on, and fed us in these past weeks. Never have we witnessed the provision of our Great God in a more tangible way.

my itty bitty ladies

creatures of comfort

In the wake of a longer season of suffering than I’ve experienced in years, I am earnestly (and frequently) reflecting on a quote from Randy Alcorn’s book Safely Home that simply says this:

Real gold fears no fire.

     Oh! The implications of those words for the children of God. Have you been trusting Him through your light and momentary affliction? Do you consider yourself worthy to be called to suffer for His name and glory?
     Through this season I’ve seen friends suffering the absence of life due to physical and eternal distances, the emotional and physical stresses of sleepless nights, families being tried as marriages are attacked, and even myself suffering from the consequences of my sin and bitterness. I found myself not rejoicing in this suffering and burden bearing nor delighting in my reproof, but pleading with God for comfort. I wanted it all to end promptly. I especially longed for closure before I actually had to reach out and trust God in trusting someone else to see this ugliness.
     BUT of course that was not what God had in store. You see, something amazing starts to take shape when life seems to be out of my control and falling apart. My clouded eyes and calloused heart begin to see more clearly and become softened to behold God’s sufficiency and grandeur. And it takes place only by way of clinging, in faith, to the words, person, people, and purposes of Christ. Why do we believe that sometimes it is OK to suffer and walk our lives alone? I believe it’s pride, believing in self-sufficiency rather than Christ’s sufficiency.
     Oh, brothers and sisters! Are you clinging to someone who is just a hobby or shopping buddy during your season of suffering, or are you clinging to someone who will bring scripture to bear on your life? Are you believing the Word of God and acting on it no matter how you feel? Or are you giving up and giving in? What God says, He will do. Go on. Reach out. Don't be deceived into thinking that health in the Body and its members is defined by a lack of issues. Health means that when issues arise (cause they will), the body can and will battle the attack without becoming ill and overwhelmed. Praise God that He is victorious before us, dwelling in us, and reigning over us! He WILL bring a good result. I will trust Him. I will worship. I will follow.
     I want to leave you with one last quote to ponder from Thomas á Kempis who wrote, "Jesus now has many lovers of His heavenly kingdom, but few bearers of His cross. He has many who desire consolation, but few who desire tribulation. He finds many companions of His table, but few of His abstinence. All desire to rejoice with Him but few are willing to endure anything for Him or with Him. Many follow Jesus to the breaking of bread but few to the drinking of the cup of His passion. Many revere His miracles, but few follow the humiliation of His cross."

willing

Earlier this morning I ventured out of the house with the girls and into the blinding fog to join some women from Harvest for a new five week study called ‘Get Real’. Although the girls protested being there (even after we were leaving Eisley tried to wriggle her way out of the stroller in protest, and I almost ran her over…), I am beyond thankful for throwing us in the car to go, and I look forward with great expectancy to the weeks to come.

I was hesitant to sign up because I knew it would be hard work to get us out the door and back in time for lunch not to mention it meant the girls were now missing morning nap two days out of the week instead of just one. I was also a little concerned with how I was going to maneuver two toddlers with a baby boy belly that is getting bigger every day. However, I couldn’t get away from hearing about this study group, and I have been aching to dig in deeper with other women before I’m disconnected for a bit when little brother comes. So, we went.

Jonna, pastor Tim’s wife, taught the opening session today and posed the question, “are we willing?” She reminded us that we can learn and regurgitate Truth all day long, but unless we are actually willing to do something about it/live it out/let it change us, we will just be wasting our time. The study progressed and God very gently began pointing out the flaws in me that He is wanting to change into His image. However, it wasn’t until our breakout group time that my eyes were very clearly opened and my heart felt the weight of conviction as my own mouth spewed out ugly truths about my sin. Instead of running to God’s Word for truth and waiting in quiet strength, I confessed that I’ve been running to technology in my alone time to peruse the web, check (and subconsciously compare my life to) social media, and catch up on meaningless shows.

God had started chiseling away as I read the honest words of a friend from college and realized that I and so many others were blindly falling and sometimes even WILLINGLY walking into Satan’s traps and distractions instead of choosing to live in the truth of God’s Word. Without even realizing it, I had begun to choose to wait for my family to mess up and disappoint me in their disobedience instead of looking to my Father and following His example of waiting to be GRACIOUS and show MERCY in my disobedience! (Is 30.18) I pray that if you read this, you would allow God to reveal what He wants to change in you. And when the question is asked, ‘are you willing?’, you will have an unwavering trust in God to boldly answer with a resounding ‘Yes!'

This God—his way is perfect;
    the word of the Lord proves true;
    he is a shield for all those who take refuge in him.

Psalm 18.30

three years

Thinking about the paradox of the flexibility versus the permanency of time always leaves me in wonder. (More so with the Creator of time than the actual events that have taken place.) However, I am writing to specifically reflect on events that have taken place within the past three years.

On August one of 2009 I married this fella. 

Photo courtesy of Andrew Ryan Shepherd

So much 'life' has happened since that day, so much learning (and re-learning), and growing (and digressing). Even in the midst, I still have days of waking up in the morning and giggling to myself because I really did marry Steve Risinger, 'that Yankee boy' as my Papa affectionately calls him. And he really is my best friend, who in these three years has shared many moments of feeling that we were each other's only friend. We've come from being passionate opinionated hot-headed college-aged co-wokers/ministers to being passionate opinionated hot-headed young adults, with KIDS. 

From this:

To this:

See! So much has changed yet so much has stayed the same. (hehe)

But in all seriousness, God has continued to mold and shape us and work His story of redemption and reconciliation in and through us. We've seen it happen from something as seemingly insignificant as remodeling our home (which I could, and probably will, write another post to the analogies and lessons learned from that) to the profoundly significant of renewing and restoring friendships and relationships with family. We truly are dancing in the minefields. And for all of this, I get the privilege of being eternally grateful. 

But most importantly today, I rejoice that I am my beloved's, and he is mine. Stephen Keith Risinger, you are the best in the whole wide. Thank you for the best three years so far!

roots

Here's a post with analogies of 'greenthumbery'; a post about growth and roots; Roots that we allow to grow in the soil of our souls, and the roots of our heritage and the legacy that we are cultivating in future generations.

     I'm sure you've all heard your moms or some parental figure tell you that in order for you to solve a certain conflict, whether it be between siblings, peers, etc., you just need to "nip it in the bud." While I grew up believing that was a trustworthy saying, I am believing now with fresh perspective and spiritual eyes that God is requiring much more than just the nipping of a bud. Yes, He prunes us. But when it comes to roots of bitterness vs. roots of righteousness, I fully believe that He expects us to "rip it at the root". And this process can be as taxing and painful as it sounds if we've allowed roots of bitterness to go deep into the soil of our souls and bear its poisonous fruit by neglecting to forgive, by holding on to a small tinge of resentment, or neglecting to choose an attitude of humility and instead taking up "our rights". 

     Hebrews 12:15 says that we are to "see to it that ... no root of bitterness springs up and causes trouble, and by it many become defiled". Y'all. The fruit that bitterness bears defiles many. It effects many. It troubles many. It transcends generations to many. I'm sure if you're reading this, someone who struggles with bitterness (maybe even yourself...) has popped into your head and you've already recalled encounters with them and how their hurt spills over on to the people around them and their relationships struggle under the weight of this toxicity. It is serious business. Bitterness doesn't affect just you. So when you finally repent of that bitterness and break free from its bondage, there will be many relationships that will need to be reconciled and restored by asking for forgiveness. If you've been set free from bitterness I would LOVE to hear your testimony!

     Most people who've been held captive by their bitterness, if they are Christians, also tend to confuse their spiritual gifts and spiritual fruit. They falsely believe that God has equipped them only to be a 'generous' tree or a 'patience' tree, when in all actuality, the fruit of the Spirit comes as a whole package. You don't pick and choose which fruit gets to grow on your tree. It should ALL be coming to fruition (by the grace of God and the power of the Spirit). It's a whole package deal. Have you been believing that you can only bear one kind of fruit cause God 'just made you that way?' Yes, we're human and have strengths and weaknesses. But Galatians 5:22 is comprising all that FRUIT into one basket. One package deal. With the Holy Spirit, He brings it all.

     Ok, I gotta be honest. That last little bit was spoken afresh to me by pastor Harkness at Harvest East Peoria a few weeks ago. And he also shared a story about a grove of orange trees. This grove was visited in the middle of a drought and most of the trees in it were looking pretty shrimpy with the exception of a few which seemed to be doing extremely well. Upon asking why there was such a vast difference between the two sets of trees, it was discovered that the trees that were in poor shape had been watered day in and day out. When the drought hit, they obviously were without water and did poorly. However with the trees that seemed to be flourishing, it was discovered that they had been raised on rations of water. Though the supply was great, their caretaker would restrict their watering so that the roots would grow deep. They would go through these periods of suffering during their growth so that they wouldn't rely solely on the water from the caretaker. Their roots were so deep that they were tapping into the ground water below and were able to prosper and produce fruit during the drought. They hadn't been pampered into developing shallow roots.
     What an awesome picture of what seasons of suffering produce in believers: roots of righteousness that go deep so we can withstand periods of drought. And not just withstand, but flourish. Instead of allowing suffering to make us beat down, weak, and embittered producing no fruit, believers can allow roots of righteousness to firmly implant so that the fruit of the Spirit can thrive!
     There a few quotes that I'd like to share that help put this analogy into what it looks like practically in my life, and quite possibly many of yours as well. These are the roots of righteousness that I desire to take hold in my life and be the legacy that I leave behind ... "A godly woman is one who possesses inner tranquility; she doesn't have to prove herself to anyone. She is strong, yet doesn't use her strength to control or dominate; nor does she depend on recognition from others. Hers is an inner contentment and satisfaction based not on accomplishments, position, or authority, but on a deep awareness of God's eternal, personal love for her." - EmilieBarnes "God faithfully serves us, even when we are faithless, so staying home to serve the family is a good reminder of how our serving reflects God’s faithfulness. ... We do use our gifts with our family, and we need to be content and joyful with that. We must ask ourselves why we are seeking approval of man and not resting in the love of God. We don’t have anything to prove to God. He loves us more than we can imagine. People will give their opinions, but we are accountable before God for our actions. If we know we are doing what God is asking of us as moms, then we can disregard public opinion. When you struggle with being a homemaker, if you feel condemned or guilty instead of convicted, that is a tactic from the enemy to tempt you to sin. The Holy Spirit’s job is to convict us of our sin and instruct us in obedience. If we ignore him, we quickly start to believe lies and rationalize our sinful actions. Is it a sin to work? No, but it’s a sin to not keep godly priorities—godly woman, wife, mom, and friend. There are many people who can work jobs, but only you can raise the children with whom God has blessed you."  -GraceDriscoll
      And to finish, some beautiful lyrics from a beautiful song:

She rises up as morning breaks/She moves among these rooms alone/Before we wake/And her heart is so full; it overflows/She waters us with love and the children grow/So many years from now/Long after we are gone/These trees will spread their branches out/And bless the dawn/These trees will spread their branches out/And bless someone -PlantingTrees AndrewPeterson

 

heartcries

Wash me in the water of the Word
I lay me on the alter of Your will
Present me blameless
Without blemish,
Holy Bride, white
Lord, purify Your Bride 

 water of the Word  - shane and shane

34

It is hard to believe that July is actually here, and we are seven days into it! One whole week already. Then I stop and think about the fact that I have been pregnant for almost 35 weeks now.

Me. Pregnant. For 34 solid weeks. With two little girls.
That still catches me off guard!

Over the past few weeks the discomfort of being largely pregnant has begun to settle its self into my sleeping patterns and joints and appetite. (Not to mention my need to go rest in the little ladies room if you catch my drift ...) I had a nice visit with my High-Risk Specialist on Tuesday which was also my last! He congratulated me on making it to 34 weeks and said the girls could come any time they want to now, Lord-willing it would be through natural delivery if my one little booger would just flip around! I wouldn't mind if it was tomorrow. I just need to get that bag for the hospital packed!!! But honestly,

I take delight in it all because I know the end is near.  

Maybe some of you who are reading this have already begun jumping to the eschatological conclusions that I would love to expound on, but I'm just going to keep it simple with these conclusions God has been working in my heart:

I desperately need my sights fixed on Eternity and the Priceless Jewel of Heaven who waits for me there. MY sin, not in part but the WHOLE, was nailed to the Cross!!! Christ's suffering was not in vain!!! My "suffering" and growing/labor pains here (which often involve other Christians even!) He wants desperately to use to draw me ever so closely to Him, and that is exactly where I want to be. My battle isn't against them, or any other flesh and blood. So, I need not be discouraged because I worship the God who makes a way when there seems to be no way. And that worship is not, has never been, or will ever be about me. It started and will end with Him! So, quickly I will leave you with this ...

My prayer lately via Psalm 51 

Make me to hear joy and gladness. Let the bones (and most of my joints) which (really feel like) You have (just about) broken rejoice. (PLEASE!) Hide Your face from my sins 

and blot out all my iniquities. Create in me a clean heart, O God, and renew a steadfast (and absolutely unshakable) spirit within me. Do not cast me away from Your presence and do not take Your Holy Spirit from me (because the thought of being without You absolutely terrifies me) ((I don't like to think about being on the wrong side of Your wrath)). Restore to me the joy of Your (not mine, cause I had nothing to do with it) salvation and sustain me with a willing spirit (cause if You don't I will give up and die)!

growing pains

Dear friends and family,

I am so sorry for the long hiatus! However, since mid October I have been working full-time as a teller at a local bank in Peoria. The idea of working full-time again after Steve and I were married wasn't one of which I was very fond. I knew that both of us working while we had no children would prove to be a wise endeavor for our family and would help take a huge burden off Steve's shoulders. However, I found it increasingly unbearable to imagine throwing myself into a 40 hour position, that honestly I could care less about, which would pull me away from my home and serving my husband there. I have since built relationships with people there who I do care for, though. Regardless, I took the  plunge realizing that in this season of our lives, this is one of the best ways to serve my husband and show that I love him. If only I would remember that point of view the mornings that I have a hard time getting out of my bed and leaving my home for majority of the day. More and most importantly, I strive to have the discipline to direct my thoughts (and ((bad)) attitudes) heavenward realizing that I am coming into contact with numerous people on a day to day basis who desperately need to know the love Christ has for them. I desperately need to know the love Christ has for me. So far, I've been failing with flying colors. Most of the time selfishness conquers a Christ-centered hope in that I begin thinking I should have the right to do the things that I am truly passionate about that I KNOW would bring me so much more fulfillment than this mundane money counting routine. (Ok, really, being a teller is stressful work.)

But God is still, as He always does, reminding me that He is greater. The plans He has for me are greater. Trusting and obeying Him even in the mundane is greater. (Sidenote:  Steve and I along with the rest of his immediate family have begun reading the Bible through this year. I have done nothing but read over and over again how God considers it righteousness when a man trusts and immediately obeys Him! His word is SO rich with reaffirmation of how awesome He is in His deeds towards man! Ps. 66.5)

Two very significant events occurred within days of each other over a week ago placing my dreams, hopes, emotions, beliefs, etc. in a whirlwind of contemplation. My reasoning and complete understanding still have yet to surrender to the enormity of our first blessed discovery. On Jan. 14th, Steve and I watched in disbelief as our sonographer scrolled over the two tiny bodies and heartbeats that are growing inside of me. Within days of seeing our twins for the first time, I received a phone call asking if I was still willing to consider a full time position as the assistant worship director at a nearby church. Before me lay my two greatest ambitions and fears. No two things have I ever hoped and longed for more than being involved in full time worship ministry and starting a family. No two things have ever had more of a hold on my heart than these. And now I was faced with making the decision with my husband for us to move and I be the full time provider as we prepare to have our first two children at the SAME time within a few short months OR for me to decline the offer so that I can stay at home to provide the nurturing love and guidance for my children to grow. Children. Two humans. Two people that God chose Steve and I to facilitate their growth during the formative years of their lives. Two amazing works of our Creator that are and will always be very much more so His than they will ever be ours.

After hours of grueling conversation and soul searching and rehearsing what we believe and hold to be true, Steve and I decided that the wisest most God-glorifying decision that we could possibly make would be to decline the offer and remain. Decline a dream and passion that has been growing ever so fiercely inside of me since I was 13. Decline an opportunity to be something that I believed for years was more who I was created to be than ever being a mom. Although we were at total peace with the convictions we hold and the decision we made, there is still a part of me that begins to ache even as I write about and rehearse the events in my mind. One piece of truth that my dear friend Mr. Tullos reminded me of was this:

God's timing and testing are perfect. Just because I'm not moving into a position that I believe would fulfill a huge part of who God has created me to be does not diminish His calling on my life or ability.

And the truth is as well that there surely are many longings currently taking residence in my heart which won't be fulfilled this side of eternity.

Even through all this God is still providing. While the weight of the financial burden that twins will bring begins to weigh heavy, people are stepping up and offering items to help meet our need. I was also asked to be the vocal director of the worship ministry at Riverside. What a huge opportunity! Even though it may not be "full-time ministry", it still permiates all of my every day life. So I look forward to teaching and being taught, used and changed while under the authority of and working alongside my dear friend Mr. Austin Luhring (and all my other cherished friends!) in the worship ministry at Riverside.

I look forward to this summer and meeting those two people growing inside me. I look forward to what God has in store.

We look to Yahweh, Yahweh
Our hope is Yahweh, Yahweh
And He shall reign forever
He shall reign forever
He shall reign forever and ever!

of these i am aware

Imperfect and impatient; Always trying to fix it (you, me, them). Controlling and selfish. Lazy. Judgmental. Competitive and comparative. Flustered, frustrated, discontent, and confused. Wanting so badly to be liked and to be funny; To be remembered and approved. Materialistic. Discouraging and discouraged.

No longer a slave to those things of the flesh and of sin and darkness. Now nobility in the glorious kingdom of God, of light, and of righteousness. Made a daughter of the Most High King with His eternal kingdom purpose. I am His precious bride. I have taken His name! Redeemed and adopted. Made alive with Christ. Co-heir with Christ. Loved with the same Love that loves Christ. Daily restored, healed, and conformed by discipline for godliness - to shine like You. Known intimately. Protected. Defended. Wooed and pursued. Filled with the supernatural power of the Spirit for strength and hope. Given unwavering promises of life abundant, love eternal, and joy unspeakable.
I have not been let go. I have been accepted and approved.
In me You take delight.

discipleship: "do-ology" & differences

This past week I was allowed the privilege to worship with some of the dearest people I know as well as thousands of students from all over the US. The conference we were a part of is called SOAR, and the message this year was about discipleship. Looking back I am confounded by the intricate workings of God in my life and the lives of others involved in this past week's events. He had already been preparing us days (ok, weeks. and even years!)  for what was to come this past week. He formed relationships through mutual friends, through generations of being discipled, through long distance communication, and even through a few hours of worshiping corporately together so that a three day conference could take place. For His Glory!!! He wove stories so deep in my heart of His truth being lived out in faithful consistency that I will not forget them. And very specifically in my life, He has opened my eyes and my heart to some change I need to embrace.

#1: "Do-ology" -  I heard it said once that in following God, it's not a person's theology that is weak. It's their "do-ology". I have to say that I strongly disagree with this man. We 'DO' because we believe. We don't 'DO' because we don't believe. This is a point that God has really been driving home with me through His word and His wisdom in the words of others. If we really believe that God is (insert whatever adjective), then we live accordingly. Doubting that what He has said is true produces disobedience. So, HELLO! Doubting and not knowing = weak theology. Weak theology = no action, inconsistency, laziness, lack of desire, etc... That may offend you, but that is Truth. If God's plan for me is discipleship, I want it. And I want it God's way. I'm learning that people who are passionate about TRULY wanting what God wants will stop at no ends to get it. They sacrifice their time to meet consistently in small groups and with a mentor and with an accountability partner to know God more. They leave no stone unturned when it comes to honesty and confession. But the biggest thing is that IT TAKES TIME. Inconsistent, flaky, half-hearted, lukewarm attempts at discipleship will not do. God wants hot or cold. No inbetween. 

One of the heads of SOAR, Steven Carroll, shared a story with me about his wife's desire to be discipled. For so long she prayed for a godly woman, and for so long, none were found. Then one day, from nowhere came Kathy Fields.  I believe that discipleship is God's plan. I believe that He will provide a godly woman who really wants to meet with me. And I look forward to the day when I get to tell you about my Kathy Fields.

#2. Differences - Let me just start off by praising God for having the honor of calling some of His most amazingly gifted children my best friends. Remembering them overwhelms me because of the slew of talent that is found among them. And being so close to people makes it SO hard not to compare. But honestly, sometimes in my amazement and marvel, I can't stop looking at their talent instead of looking back to their Creator in praise. Then insecurity and jealousy and envy creep in. And the people that I love so dearly, Satan intends for me to hate. And the people that God wants for friendship and accountability in my life, Satan wants to use to make me feel lonely and inadequate. The Truth is each and every one of them is better than me at A LOT of things. And that is the way God has woven it.  PRAISE GOD that I can't cook and play the guitar like Steve. PRAISE GOD that I can't arrange flowers like Tate. PRAISE GOD that I can't walk and lead in the humility of Aaron. PRAISE GOD that I don't have the charisma of Jake. PRAISE GOD I can't sing in the stratosphere like Kim. PRAISE GOD that I don't have a compassionate heart like Jenna. And honestly this list goes on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on and on. But I am so moved to worship God for our differences. Satan does not have the power to hold me with his lies. We look different. We sound different. But through God, we can all love the same. So I glory in Him for our differences. I glory in Him for our weaknesses. Cause when we are weak, and when we are different, HE is made much of.

Soli Deo Gloria

i am undone.

This afternoon I finished reading Francis Chan's book Crazy Love. I've been left undone per God's word through Francis. To be challenged and left unchanged is to not desire God. I pray my life, not merely my words, reveals change.

I would consider this book a must-read because the change in lifestyle that it suggests is a must-have. I've also compiled several different lists of books that I hope you would consider delving in to!

"out of the habit"

     Easily for the last month or so, I've been in one of the most apathetic states of my life. Complacency was my leprosy. And I find it very ironic that around the beginning of these days unfolding I had written this quote in my journal:

a lifestyle of believing God makes you bolder in your love for others and in what you can believe God for in their lives. -beth moore

     Now let me expound on the irony. Instead of grasping on to that truth and letting it soak in to be lived out, I very harshly rejected it. Subconsciously I honestly thought that in my months of living in a new place feeling as though not much has prospered, why should I try to love others who don't want to love me? I need a job, but no one has contacted to even say I'm under or over qualified. If I'm offered a job, can I even accept knowing all the places I'll be traveling to this year? And where are the friendships that really go deep? I knew I needed help living in and extending the mercy and grace God had shown me. But I SHO NUF did not want to even try. Goodness, my selfishness and arrogance was (and is and will be, I'm sure) absolutely suffocating.
     So I simply muddled through those passing days crying out here and there for God to meet the needs that I thought were important. All the while He was setting the stage to meet the needs that were essential to our relationship's vitality. (Hebrews 8.12) Well that was around the end of April. So at the beginning of May, and only a page later in my journal, I proceeded to ask for consistency in my life. (James 1.26-27) Guess what? Didn't come. That was May 4th. Then I found myself on May 27th laying in my bedroom floor listening to music re-reading my journal realizing how pathetic I thought I'd become, only to realize later that I've always been. I'm not consistent. I don't remember things I've learned. I've forgotten who God is and what He is all about. (head vs. heart ...) I was becoming exactly who I never wanted to be.
     Then God rocked my world. On the day marking 25 years since my birth, I had a new fresh breath of life breathed into my lungs. I had the privilege of delving into the Word with friends and fellow worshippers at FBC Rogers while being taught God's glorious truths by my 'faja' and pastor Wes George. I will simply bullet the rest and let you tie your own conclusions together. It shouldn't be that hard. But I hope this hits you anew as it did me!

• growth and grace should continue in the life of the redeemed.
• salvation is the PROCESS (it takes time y'all) by which God redeems His creation. (justification, sanctification, glorification) It is rooted in His Character. It is all about Him. (Rom. 3.21-25; Is 64.6; Eph. 2.1-2)
• the problem is realizing how needy we are. we need Jesus to live out his purpose through us, redeeming fellowship w/ God for HIS glory. (Mk. 10.45; Lk. 19.10; Jn 1.29)
• faith is NEVER intellectual ascent or historical acknowledgment.
• i MUST keep reminding myself of my former days. (Hebrews 10.32-39) i was enlightened! i was brought out of darkness into Marvelous light when i came to know Christ.
• i have and will endure sufferings. there was a time when i was willing to suffer for the cause of Christ. It didn't matter what everybody else thought. i need to remember that.
• i need to stop crying and start asking myself, ' what does God want to teach me through this today?'
• i HAVE to remember or else i will drift (like i did for daaaaays!). HERE'S THE KICKER PEOPLE: KNOWING what i'm SUPPOSED to do and NOT DOING IT is WILLFUL SINNING!!!
• care has to go beyond emotion to action and activity, even when it costs me.
• i need to remind myself of the future. my life is about the King and His Kingdom!
• have confidence in GOD.
• i didn't get "out of the habit." i quit believing God. (James 1.6) faith doesn't allow doubt to keep me from obeying. abiding in faith perserves me. (Heb 2.3-4 = Rom. 10.37)

whew. all of that in one day. God does speak.