I am a happy person (crazy, silly, insert whatever upbeat adjective you desire...). but honestly, most of the time, my heart absolutely aches. Very literally, it physically aches within me. It is truly the joy of the Lord that keeps me going which comes in many forms! My favorite of which is the encouragement that my dearest sends my way in his prayers over me at night.

But if you have ever spent any amount of time actually investing in me as your friend, sister, daughter, or even mere acquaintance, you will have found that my heart breaks easily [and largely over the sin and brokenness in our world and its devastating ramifications on the lives of God's precious creation]. (I can't even read the story of Jesus' birth at family Christmas without breaking into tears!) I am so thankful for His [heart-wrenching] perspective shifts. I am reminded of God's Word and His promises of provision for our lives through His stories in her and her. (Note: reading these stories will take time and a tissue.) And even His story in her. Soli Deo Gloria.

But let me entertain your thoughts with an analogy set before me personally yesterday morning. After reading James 1.2-4 and 12, God quickly allowed me to put my faith in action. On my way to help a friend clean some houses, my car died just as I was pulling up to an intersection. I quickly flipped the hazards on, turned the car off, then cranked it again in time to get through the light and make it a safe distance away to pull over. My small trial as it was slowly faded in my mind while I stood on the side of the road and watched countless numbers of cars drive past. (Ok, I'm sure there were over 100.) However, the more I watched, the more I noticed the people noticing me and their expressions or the lack thereof. Some tried very hard to act like I wasn't there as they passed. Others gawked, while a few did express a look of concern. But out of all the cars that passed only 3 actually stopped and the one because it was his job as he worked for I-DOT. (This story sounding familiar at all yet?)

My mind started racing as the Spirit brought back flashes of memories of passing people by feeling pity for them but doing nothing. I thought about conversations had discussing the threat of safety when you help "people like that," and how those conversations WREAKED of self-preservation and comfort. Like Francis Chan points out in his book Crazy Love, we with good intentions (and in our western frame of mind) find ourselves praying for safety, when in True reality a heart that is ablaze for the glory of God only requests that they be given a glorious occasion to make Him known. God will always allow circumstances to come into our lives giving us the opportunity to choose between claiming every shred of right of pride, dignity, and safety (that we don't have) or claiming Him no matter the cost. Is your heart ablaze?

I’d rather have Jesus than men’s applause;
I’d rather be faithful to His dear cause;
I’d rather have Jesus than world-wide fame,
I’d rather be true to His holy name.

Than to be a king of a vast domain
Or be held in sin’s dread sway,
I’d rather have Jesus than anything
This world affords today.


of these i am aware

Imperfect and impatient; Always trying to fix it (you, me, them). Controlling and selfish. Lazy. Judgmental. Competitive and comparative. Flustered, frustrated, discontent, and confused. Wanting so badly to be liked and to be funny; To be remembered and approved. Materialistic. Discouraging and discouraged.

No longer a slave to those things of the flesh and of sin and darkness. Now nobility in the glorious kingdom of God, of light, and of righteousness. Made a daughter of the Most High King with His eternal kingdom purpose. I am His precious bride. I have taken His name! Redeemed and adopted. Made alive with Christ. Co-heir with Christ. Loved with the same Love that loves Christ. Daily restored, healed, and conformed by discipline for godliness - to shine like You. Known intimately. Protected. Defended. Wooed and pursued. Filled with the supernatural power of the Spirit for strength and hope. Given unwavering promises of life abundant, love eternal, and joy unspeakable.
I have not been let go. I have been accepted and approved.
In me You take delight.


going once, going twice ...

... and sold! Remember that antique chest of drawers that I painted red then antiqued with a dark walnut stain? Check this out to see what I'm talking about. Well, ladies and gentlemen, I sold that bad boy on craigslist in one short day! Steve thinks that I sold myself short. He suggested that I market my items as functional pieces of art. The purchaser isn't just buying furniture. They are investing in a piece of art into which I poured my blood sweat and tears! (ok, only in SOME did I invest my blood and tears. Mostly just sweat. Is that gross?) Honestly, I'm not too concerned with it all because it is more than likely the first and last piece I will sell. Although, I have to admit that craigslist is full of shopping adventure and wonder! Maybe even a little bit of angst as well.
All day long I was battling thoughts of some crazy person calling me up saying they wanted the dresser, but really they were going to come to my house and kidnap me. True story. I've heard of this happening before. But yet, here I am writing to you (knowing you will read this and identify with having thought the very same things!!!). I must say that making this one sale has been the short lived highlight of my day. Short lived because I currently feel like what a hangover supposedly feels like due to my 5am rising to work out with my sisterfriend Julie. I love her. I like to work out. I do not love the after effects of working out at 5am.
I will however appreciate being in shape when Steve and I begin trying to have kids. And I did enjoy creating something in which someone else delighted. For now, though, I'll focus my hope and energy on teaching voice. What a joy!